Twilight On Crack
by purple-panda95
Summary: What happens when vampires get drunk/high? Read to find out.
1. Chapter 1 Shrooms

**Author's Note: Welcome to Twilight on Crack. The story takes place a few years after Breaking Dawn leaves off. It's written in skit form, just because I couldn't decide what point of view to use, and I didn't want to use omniscient.**

Chapter 1-Shrooms

Bella: *searching through cabinet* Edward, where is the pasta? Jake wants me to cook spaghetti for him.

Edward: Check in the cabinet, I think that's where it is.

Bella: *sees a mysterious bottle* What's this? *brushes dust off bottle* Huh, it doesn't have a label. Maybe I should taste it to see what it is. *takes a swig* Huh, that actually tastes kinda good. *drinks more*

Edward: Bella, if you see an unlabeled bottle in there, don't drink it, it's Emmett's vodka.

Bella: *speaks with slur* Vodka? Aha, what vodka?

Edward: Oh no. Emmett!

Emmett: *comes running down stairs* What?

Edward: Bella drank your vodka. *glares at Emmett* How did you recover from the alcohol?

Emmet: Alright Bella! *frightened by Edward's death glare* I had to eat a bunch of human food so I could choke the alcohol back up with the food—fast-food works best.

Bella: Food? Aha, I haven't eaten food in ten years. *gasp* I'm anorexic. *turns to Edward* Edward, I'm anorexic.

Edward: No you're not, love. Vampires don't need to eat.

Bella: *still speaking with a slur*Don't call me a vampire! I can be nice, so don't call me mean names.

Edward: Okay, I'm sorry, love. We need to get you to a fast-food restaurant. Emmett, go get the others so they can help.

Emmett: *salutes* Sir yes sir! *runs upstairs* Everyone! Bella's drunk and we need to have her eat fast-food so she can puke it up!

Bella: Aha, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

Edward: No, Bella, you drank vodka, not Mountain Dew.

Jake: Sheesh Bella, I never thought you were the person who would get drunk.

Bella: Aha, you would think you would, considering you ran around my house at night!

Renesmee: You did?

Jake: Uh, well, she was human, and I, uh, was trying to protect her.

Bella: Don't lie, you know you liked that kiss in the forest.

Renesmee: You kissed my mother?

Jacob: It was before you were born. It didn't mean anything.

Edward: You two can talk later. We need to go.

Renesmee: Dad, you're going to let him off the hook? He kissed your wife!

Edward: I know, I saw, sort of. We need to go.

Bella: Maybe I like being drunk. I don't wanna go! I'm going to live with the hobos outside of Starbucks! *runs off*

Emmett: *in shock* She ran to Starbucks to be with hobos! *doubles over laughing*

Edward: Come on, we need to go get her!

Jake: *climbing into car* How is she drunk? Vampires don't eat, and they don't have a working circulatory system, so how is she drunk?

Edward: To be honest with you, I really don't know. Alice where is she?

Alice: *giggling* She's getting high with hobos.

Renesmee: Mom's getting high?

Edward: Emmett, don't ever bring vodka into the house again.

Emmett: *speaking with slur* Okay, I won't bring it into the house, but what about the car, 'cause it's too late for that.

Jasper: Um, Edward, Emmett didn't bring that bottle of vodka into the house.

Alice: Jazz?

Jasper: I did.

Edward: Jasper! *pulls over in front of Starbucks* Everyone try to find Bella.

Bella: Eddie-poo! There you are! You should try some of this stuff.

Emmett: *still speaking with slurred speech* Bella! Want to share with your big brother?

Bella: Eddie, I'm a crack-addict. So you're gonna need to buy some.

Rosalie: Emmett, don't-oh no.

Emmett: What's up guysss?

Bella: It's the shrooms! Run from the shrooms!

Emmett: You better run from the shrooms Bella, or they'll get you.

Renesmee: Shrooms?

Rosalie: Mushrooms.

Bella: Batman is their leader! Na na na na na shrooms!

Jake: Bella, are you okay?

Bella: Yes I am. Don't I look okay?

Renesmee: Mom, you're drunk and high, you're not okay.

Bella: Don't talk to your mother that way! *to hobo* Don't you hate it when people think you're on something?

Hobo: Yeah man, except we are on something. *laughs* We're high

Bella: *laughs* You got that right!

Edward: Bella, it's time to go.

Emmett: Bella, your loverrrr is calllliing you.

Bella: Eddie-poo! Where are we going?

Edward: To a fast-food restaurant.

Bella: To the speedy food!

**Author's Note: Aha, that shrooms thing actually happened to my friend. I don't know what was wrong with him, but he was sort of…strange that day. Anyways, let me know if you have any ideas for what should happen next.**


	2. Chapter 2 Purple Bunnies

**Author's Note: *gasp* I got a ton of reviews considering it was my first chapter. Aha, so yeah, nothing random happened today, so I had to come up with this stuff on my own. *sad face***

**Disclaimer: Uh-oh I forgot to put one of these in the last chapter. Don't sue me! *hides* Anyway, I don't own Twilight.**

Chapter Two-Purple Bunnies

Bella: To the speedy food!

Emmett: *screams* Run for your life!

Jasper: What is it now, Emmett?

Emmett: The purple bunnies are after us!

Rosalie: Is Emmett hallucinating?

Emmett: No. If I was hallucinating they wouldn't be purple.

Renesmee: Emmett, that didn't make any sense.

Emmett: You don't make any sense.

Edward: Okay, I think it's time to go now.

Bella: I want a cheeseburger.

Edward: We are going to get something Bella. I'm sure there will be cheeseburgers there.

Emmett: So Nessie, are you mad at Jakey-poo for snuggling up to your motherrr and keeping her warm inside a sleeping bag?

Renesmee: *shock* Jake?

Jake: She was going to freeze to death.

Bella: *still speaking with slur* Don't lie. I heard Edward scolding you for your fantasies.

Emmett: Ooh, hey Bella, do have any vodka with you?

Bella: Yep *pulls out bottle*

Renesmee: Jacob, would you care to explain?

Jake: Give me that. *takes bottle and drinks* That stuff is perty good.

Renesmee: Jacob!

Jake: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Renesmee: How do vampires and shape-shifters get drunk and high, anyway?

Jasper: When they drink the vodka, it goes straight into their venom, and it mixes strangely, causing them to act strange. With Jake, I think it just goes straight to his blood and the shape-shifting gene acts strange with it as well.

Jake: I'm a doggie! Arf arf!

Edward: *phone rings, Edward answers phone* Hello? Aro? You heard what? Um, yeah, Jasper left a bottle of vodka in the house, and Bella, Emmett, and Jacob drank it. No you can't have some.

Jake: *grabs phone* Aro, buddy, sure you can have some. Come on over here.

Edward: Jacob, give me the phone. *takes back phone* He hung up.

Emmett: Well that's not very nice.

Jake: Aro's coming!

Bella: Yeah, he's coming from Vulture-terra.

Alice: *giggles* It's Volterra, Bella.

Jake: Voterrian bunnies are coming to take over the world!

Rosalie: Shut up, mutt.

Jake: Arf! I can be a doggie if I want to! *phases, howls*

Renesmee: Jake! Phase back!

Jake: *howls*

Emmett: He says he likes being a doggie!

Rosalie: You can't speak dog!

Alice: Where is the Haitian guy from Heroes when you need him?

Jasper: Didn't he die?

Rosalie: I don't think so.

Renesmee: Yes he did.

Edward: Hey, we need to get to a fast food restaurant.

Renesmee: We can't go with Jake as a wolf.

Emmett: Leave him here! He wants to stay with the hobos!

Bella: Yeah, man, we want to stay with the hobos.

Alice: I'll stay with them. You all can go get food.

Edward: That's a good idea, but don't drink anything. Renesmee, you stay with her.

Renesmee: *nods* Okay.

**Author's Note: Hmm, what will happen next? Maybe you will review and give me an idea of what should happen. *smiles hopefully***


	3. Chapter 3 Oh Snap

**Author's Note: Yay, I came up with two chapters in one day. I am surprised at how much randomness I can come up with.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Starbucks, "Hot N Cold" by Katy Perry, "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry (sounds funny when you sing it on helium) and I don't think it's possible to own Kellan.**

Chapter Three Oh Snap

Renesmee: *nods* Okay, I'll stay with them.

Edward: Rosalie, Jasper, let's go. *drives off*

Emmett: Hey, hobo dudes, we're back.

Hobo: Hey, man, we found this stuff over here. We tried sniffing it, and it's awesome.

Bella: I want some!

Jake: *phases* Where are my pants? *looks around* Oh, I was holding them. *laughs*

Alice: Oh no.

Renesmee: What?

Alice: I just had a vision.

Renesmee: What's wrong?

Alice: I saw us getting high. It's either going to be you or me.

Renesmee: Your visions aren't always right, are they?

Alice: No, but I'm pretty sure that it's going to happen.

Renesmee: We'll just have to be extra careful then.

Emmett: *runs up behind Alice with drugs in hand* Sniff it! *puts drugs in front of Alice's face and pulls on her hair, causing her to breathe in quickly* You sniffed it!

Alice: Emmett…*starts to speak with slur* Whoa, hobos. *jumps up and down* I'm a bunny!

Renesmee: Oh no.

Alice: Squirrels are pretty funny looking things! Cupcakes taste yummy! Sundaes are healthy at Mickey D's! Snap Crackle pop!

Renesmee: Alice, calm down.

Bella: Nice of you to join us!

Jake: The high club!

Emmett: Jake you're drunk, not high.

Jake: *grabs handful of powder* Now I am! It's the magic dust!

Alice: I saw Kellan Lutz at Starbucks!

Emmett: Who's Kellan Lutz?

Alice: He's a dude, you're a dude, you could be twins.

Bella: Twinsies!

Jake: Aren't we at Starbucks?

Renesmee: That's brilliant Jake! I'll be right back. Don't move. *runs into Starbucks*

Jake: No! Come back! I lurve you!

Emmett: Where she go?

Bella: To the shape of chicken sounds! **A/N: Translation- shape (star) chicken sounds (bucks)**

Alice: Ooh, do they have coffee? *still bouncing up and down*

Renesmee: I'm back.

Jake: *throws himself at Nessie's feet, holding her around the ankles* Don't leave me again!

Renesmee: Jake, get up. Here, it might help you become sober faster.

Jake: *takes coffee and pours it on his head* Ow! It's hot!

Emmett: It's cold like ice cubes.

Bella: There's no making you people happy. First you're hot, then you're cold.

Alice: You're yes then you're no. You're in then you're out. You're up and you're down. You're wrong when it's right. It's black and it's white. We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up. You, you don't really wanna stay, no. You, but you don't really wanna go, oh.

Renesmee: Enough, Alice.

Emmett: Karaoke time!

Jake: I kissed a girl and I liked it—the taste of her cherry chapstick. I kissed a girl just to try it. I hope my boyfriend don't mind it. It felt so wrong. It felt so right. Don't mean I'm in love tonight. I kissed a girl and I liked it. I liked it.

Renesmee: What have I gotten myself into?

Bella: A bowl of soup!

Alice: Chicken noodle soup!

Emmett: I want a cupcake. *starts playing with Jake's hair*

Jake: Emmett thinks my hair is a cupcake!

Bella: No, he's not Emmett. He's teddy bear man. We all have to have code names so nobody knows who we really are.

Alice: Jake is doggy boy!

Jake: Bella can be klutzy Virgo!

Emmett: Alice is pixie lady!

Renesmee: Did something snap in your heads or something?

Jake: Oh snap. *snaps in one of those z form things*

Renesmee: Did you seriously just do that?

Jake: No, the waffles did.

Bella: Talking waffles! I saw a talking waffle this morning!

Renesmee: Okay, Dad needs to get here soon with that food.

**Author's Note: Once again, part of that was real. It happened today in class. Whoever guesses right gets to be one of the hobos. I'll give you a hint: it was an odd temperature in my classroom.**


	4. Chapter 4 Burger Chicken

**Author's Note: Okay, sorry I haven't updated in a day or so; I try to update every day. I've had a few softball games lately. Aha, today I made the winning hit :). Thank you mommy2matty for the plot to this chapter :).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Chuck E. Cheese's, Titanic, KFC**

Chapter Four- Burger Chicken

Renesmee: Okay, Dad needs to get here soon with that food. *takes out phone* Dad? Alice is high now too. What's taking so long? Aro is there? Why is he drunk? He wants cupcake-land? Send him over here with Jasper. Get out of Chuck E. Cheese's and go to the restaurant. Why did Aro take you to Chuck E. Cheese's anyway? It's his secret meeting place? Just send Jasper over here with Aro. Kay, bye.

Bella: Is my bestest buddy Aro coming?

Renesmee: Mom you hate Aro. He wanted to kill us remember?

Jake: Don't talk about my friend that way. Why do they spell friend f-r-i-e-n-d? It shouldn't have an end in it. Friendship 'till the end!

Alice: Friendship had an ends in it.

Emmett: Titanic has and ic in it, which is sort of like ick.

Alice: Is my loverly Jasper coming to meet us at Chuck E. Cheese's?

Renesmee: No, he's coming here with Aro.

Jake: Who's Aro?

Renesmee: He's the ruler of Volterra. You were just talking about him.

Jake: No, we were talking about spelling.

Renesmee: No before that—never mind. When is Jasper coming with Aro? *phone rings* Dad? He what? How did Aro destroy McDonald's and Chuck E. Cheese's? Just have Jasper bring him here. I see a KFC across the road, I'll go there, and maybe it will work.

Emmett: We're going to kfc? *pronounces it as a word*

Jake: Kfc!

Renesmee: No, we are going to KFC, now come on. *walks into restaurant* Hello, I would like four number threes, four root beers, and four mashed potatoes. *hands money to cashier*

Cashier: Thank you.

Renesmee: Okay, go sit down at that table, and we'll get our food in a little bit.

Bella: Okey dokey!

Cashier: Number 38!

Renesmee: *walks up to counter and takes food* Okay, here, everybody eat.

Jake: *puts bowl of potatoes on head* I spilled my potatoes! Emmett get me paper stuff that you use to wipe your face!

Emmett: *walks over to cashier* Hey lady, do you sell forks?

Alice: We need paper, Emmett!

Emmett: Do you sell paper?

Cashier: Um, do you mean napkins?

Emmett: Yeah, napkins!

Cashier: Here, just take some.

Emmett: Aww, nice paper lady!

Bella: I made a pretty pony!

Renesmee: What?

Bella: Look! It likes root beer and potatoes. *Bella has smeared potatoes and root beer foam on the window*

Renesmee: Mom!

Cashier: Mom?

Renesmee: Uh, *puts ear bud in ear at a speed the cashier doesn't see* I was talking on the phone. Bella, you can't put food on the window!

Cashier: Just take your food and go.

Jake: I didn't get to fly yet! I can only fly in Burger Chicken!

Cashier: *very irritated by this point* You can fly…?

Jake: Yeah, watch! *climbs on table, runs and jumps over tables* I can fly! *crashes to floor*

Cashier: Get out of here, now.

Renesmee: *walking out of KFC* You made a mess of KFC, and you didn't eat any food. What am I supposed to do?

Jasper: *runs up to them with Aro* What happened to KFC? It looks like a mess in there.

Alice: Burger Chicken exploded.

Jasper: Burger Chicken?

Bella: We just ate there. I made a pretty pony.

Jasper: That's KFC.

Alice: No, Jazzy, it's Burger Chicken.

Jake: Aro, buddy!

Aro: Jakey! *the two hug*

Renesmee: Since when did you two like each other?

Jake: Since forever!

Aro: I'm bored with Volterra. It's no fun there.

Emmett: We should go there!

Bella: Off to Vulture-terra!

**Author's Note: Reviews would be appreciated. Also, if you know anything interesting about Theodore Roosevelt, I would highly appreciate it if you could add it in a review or message me, because I have a project about him.**


	5. Chapter 5 Vultureterra

**Author's Note: Thank you to all who reviewed and CrankyFrenchLady88 for the information about Theodore Roosevelt. Happy Mother's Day!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, the Wizard of Oz, the Twilight Lexicon, Barney, or Volterra (although I will someday) *evil smile*.**

Chapter Five-Vulture-terra

Bella: Off to Vulture-terra!

Alice & Jake: *start to skip while singing* We're off to see the vulture, the wonderful vulture of terra.

Emmett: Where are the flying monkeys?

Aro: Ooh, there they are! *points to Renesmee and Jasper*

Jasper: They've been like this the entire time?

Renesmee: You're just lucky you weren't there at KFC.

Bella: Burger Chicken!

Jake: Did you guys know that somewhere in this world, Twilight Lexicon girls are typing random posts about us?

Alice: No. Way.

Renesmee: What is a Twilight Lexicon?

Jake: It's a website dedicated entirely to us. People go on it, and they post stuff about us. They have a bunch of threads about which character they like best, and even a skit thread.

Jasper: Now how would people know about us?

Alice: *speaking with slur* There are books about us, Jazzy.

Renesmee: Who would know enough about us to write a book?

Emmett: *shrugs* It's from Bella's point of view.

Renesmee & Jasper: *turn towards Bella* What?

Bella: Huh?

Renesmee: Did you write a book about us?

Bella: Nope.

Jasper: Then who did?

Bella: Barney!

Renesmee: Wow, for a moment I'd forgotten they were drunk.

Aro: And high!

Jasper: *whispers* At least they forgot about Volterra.

Alice: Volterra!

Jasper: Oh no.

Jake: Let's go you guys! *phases and starts running to Volterra*

Bella/Alice/Aro/Emmett: *start running*

Renesmee: *sighs* Let's go get them. *starts running with Jasper*

_Author: The gang ends up doing a lot up running and swimming, ending up in Volterra-_

Bella: Vulture-terra!

_Author: Sorry! They end up going to Vulture-terra._

Emmett: We're here!

Marcus: What are they doing here?

Caius: Aro? What happened?

Aro: You left vodka within my reach, that's what.

Caius: You're drunk?

Aro: Yessir.

Marcus: What is everyone else doing here?

Emmett: Standing! What's it look like?

Caius: Why are you here?

Jake: We're the high club! We go wherever our bestest buddy Aro goes!

Aro: The Lexicon likes me better than you two!

Caius: What is a lexicon?

Renesmee: Apparently there are books and websites about us. Don't listen to them they're drunk.

Alice: And high! Oooh, I saw the future! I'm a sidekick!

Jasper: Psychic, Alice, you're a psychic.

Alice: Sidekick!

Jasper: Alice, what did you see?

Alice: Eddie is going to join the high club!

Renesmee: Oh no, not Dad too.

Bella: Eddie-poo! He's going to join us!

Alice: Jake!

Jake: Yes pixie lady?

Alice: Why are you leaving us?

Jake: Where am I going?

Alice: You're leaving the high club! You're going to the serious side! Come back to the dark side Jake, we have cookies!

Jake: Sugar cookies?

Emmett: *speaks with mouthful of food* Oops, were these the dark side cookies? I thought they were just normal cookies. Oh, crud. *runs off to choke up the sugar cookies, then comes back* Ow, my head hurts. Why are we here in Volterra?

Bella: Vulture-terra!

Emmett: What's wrong with Bella?

Alice: Come back to the dark side!

Aro: We can have Jane make more cookies!

Jasper: Since when can Jane bake?

Emmett: Are they high?

Renesmee: Yes.

Emmett: Hmmm…this is going to be fun.

**Author's Note: Dun dun dun…. What is Emmett's "fun" idea? Maybe you should review and give me a few ideas :).**


	6. Chapter 6 Birdels and Humpires

**Author's Note: Aw, I only got one review on that last chapter. Grr, I lost my voice; I can't talk.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, McDonald's, Star Wars, or the Twilight Lexicon.**

Chapter Six-Birdels and Humpires

Emmett: This is going to be fun.

Jake: Vulture-terra is always fun!

Aro: Vulture-terra is boring!

Caius: Vulture-terra?

Jasper: Volterra.

Marcus: Why are you here?

Alice: Our bestest buddy Aro wanted us to come.

Bella: Emmett, how many food groups are there?

Emmett: *evil smile* Six.

Jake: What are they?

Emmett: Fruits, veggies, meat, grains, dairy, and *thinks* popcorn.

Renesmee: Emmett, you really aren't helping.

Alice: Popcorn!

Emmett: Hey, I'm having fun. I'm going to mess with these guys while I can.

Caius: How is Aro supposed to get back to normal?

Aro: I don't want to be normal!

Jasper: You need to have him eat human food, so he can choke it back up along with the alcohol.

Jake: Pixie lady, how do you like being high?

Alice: I'm lovin' it.

Renesmee: When is Dad going to bring us the food?

Bella: Eddie is going to join us!

Jasper: *phone rings* Rosalie? Edward is drunk? You're telling me that someone pushed him into a pool of vodka. Why would there even be a pool of vodka by McDonald's? Rose, you didn't push him, did you?

Emmett: Go Rosie!

Jasper: Rose, it's not funny, this is serious. Get over here and we will try to fix things. *hangs up* Rose pushed Edward into a pool of vodka, and now he's drunk. Rose and Edward are on their way here.

Marcus: *whispers to Caius* If we wanted them here, we would have invited them.

Jake: Aro invited us, so there!

Aro: Oh yeah! *high fives Jake*

Alice: I told you Eddie would join us!

Bella: Eddie-poo will be here soon!

Emmett: Eddie-poo?

Bella: Yessir.

Renesmee: Jasper, when did Rose say they would be here?

Jasper: In an hour or so.

Emmett: Jake, I hate to break it to you, but your cousin's friends' uncle's nephew's step-sister's teacher's husband's mom's best friend's dry cleaner's moose's pet fish died yesterday.

Jake: No! Billy was such a young fish! Why must the good die young?

Renesmee: Emmett! You're not helping!

Emmett: Who said I wanted to help?

Jasper: Emmett, if you aren't going to help just go sit down in the corner.

Emmett: Did you just put me on a time-out?

Jasper: Maybe I did.

Alice: Emmett's a bad boy!

Bella: How do you get a flying squirrel? Do you just put bird wings on a regular squirrel?

Aro: Maybe a bird and a squirrel fell in love and had a baby. It's half bird and half squirrel—it's a birdel!

Jake: Nessie is a half-breed!

Bella: She's a humpire!

Emmett: *becoming very amused* So Nessie, when did you first become a humpire?

Renesmee: Emmett, go sit down!

Emmett: No!

Jake: Emmett, you're grounded mister!

Emmett: Jake, Billy never told you this, but he isn't really your father.

Jake: What?

Emmett: *puts on a very serious face* I am your father.

Jake: Daddy! *hugs Emmett*

Caius: Can this get any more insane?

Renesmee: I don't know, the author keeps writing random stuff.

Marcus: Author?

Author (me): Yes?

Marcus: What's going on?

Author (me): Not much, just living life.

Jasper: Author-

Author (me): I have a name!

Renesmee: What's your name?

Author (me): Katie.

Jasper: Okay, Katie, why are you making us do this?

Katie (me): Well what else am I supposed to do while I wait for someone to post something on the Twilight Lexicon skit thread?

Caius: So the Twilight Lexicon is real.

Katie (me): Yep.

Jake: I knew it!

Katie (me): Hey Jake!

Jake: Hello magic Katie person.

Katie (me): So…

Alice: So…

Katie (me): Is there anything else you guys need?

Jasper: Can you make Rosalie and Edward get here faster?

Katie (me): Yep. *silence*

Renesmee: Will you?

Katie (me): Nope. *evil laugh, and I leave*

Renesmee: What was that about?

**Author's Note: Alas, my reason for this story has been revealed. So people need to go post something funny on the skit thread.**

**Reviews/skit thread posts=happy author**

**Happy author=good chapters**

**Good chapters=zombie repellant**

**Zombie repellant=no worry on December 12, 2012**

**Therefore, reviews/skit thread posts=no worry on December 12, 2012**

**Lol, I scare myself sometimes. *shakes head at self***


	7. Chapter 7 Tai Kwon Don't

**Author's Note: Aha, my rationalization worked—I got several reviews on that last chapter. I got some good ideas from people, which is always appreciated—if all of these were my ideas, I would probably be put in a mental institute. *laughs like a maniac* Oh yeah, don't read this chapter if you don't know about the birds and the bees—it's only mild content, but still.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, McDonald's, Charlie the Unicorn, youtube, or House.**

Chapter Seven-Tai Kwon Don't

Renesmee: What was that about?

Bella: *speaking with slur* Is that a rhetorical question?

Renesmee: Sort of.

Aro: Ritorilac?

Jasper: Rhetorical.

Emmett: Hey Jake, look at what I found.

Jake: Ball?

Emmett: That's right, now go fetch! *throws ball*

Jake: Ball! *goes down on all fours and runs after ball*

Jasper: Emmett, you're not helping!

Emmett: Jazzy, you've said that a billion times.

Jasper: Don't call me Jazzy.

Emmett: Is Jazzy going to put me on time-out again?

Renesmee: Emmett, go sit in the corner.

Bella: Emmett's in trouble!

Jake: *brings back ball in mouth and drops it in front of Emmett's feet* Ball?

Renesmee: No more fetch, honey.

Bella: Does my baby girl lurve Jakey-poo?

Renesmee: Mom, you've known that for years.

Jake: I lurve you too Loch Ness Monster!

Renesmee: *gasp* Is that why you call me Nessie?

Alice: Well you could have killed your motherrr.

Renesmee: It's not my fault!

Bella: Nessie, did you know that you weren't on purpose?

Renesmee: What?

Emmett: And so the truth comes out.

Bella: Edward and I went on our honeymoon, made lurve, and then I was all "Omg! I'm pregnant! That wasn't on purpose!" And I thought you were gonna be a boy.

Jake: Lalalalala! * covers ears* I don't need to hear this!

Alice: Come on Jake, you're like, thirty. I think you know about the birds and the bees.

Caius: Will you just get out of here?

Katie (me): *appears with a puff of smoke* No! This is funny!

Marcus: * in frightened voice* Go away!

Caius: Marcus? What's wrong with you?

Marcus: I'm afraid of authors.

Katie (me): *evil laugh* Fear me!

Emmett: Sheesh, can this author-

Katie (me): I have a name!

Emmett: Fine! Can _Katie _get any more evil?

Katie (me): *laughs* You're just lucky I'm not one of those Emmett-obsessed authors.

Emmett: *gulp* How obsessed are they?

Katie (me): You don't want to know.

Jake: She's not obsessed with you 'cause she's obsessed with me!

Renesmee: Is that true?

Katie (me): Err…

Renesmee: *growls*

Katie (me): *does an impression of a cat hiss* Don't make me use my Tai Kwon Don't skills on you.

Jasper: Tai Kwon Don't? Do you mean Tai Kwon Do?

Katie (me): No, Tai Kwon Don't.

Alice: And I'm the one who was in the asylum?

Katie (me): Maybe I do live in an asylum!

Bella: Really?

Katie (me): No.

Caius: Are you sure?

Katie (me): Well, I do live with a bunch of crazy people.

Marcus: Please go away.

Katie (me): No.

Caius: Why not?

Katie (me): Because Edward and Rosalie are about to get here and I want to see a drunk Edward.

Renesmee: Rose and Dad are almost here?

Katie (me): I just said that.

Rosalie: Okay, I'm here.

Edward: Who's that? *points to author*

Katie (me): I'm the author.

Rosalie: The author?

Katie (me): Why do you people keep repeating me?!

Edward: *laughs* I fell in a pool of vodka.

Jasper: Why would there be a pool by McDonald's?

Katie (me): Because you were at Candy Mountain.

Jake: I want to go to Candy Mountain!

Aro: What's Candy Mountain?

Katie (me): Haven't you watched Charlie the Unicorn?

Caius: What's Charlie the Unicorn?

Katie (me): *sighs* You guys need to go on youtube more often.

Edward: *examining coffee cup* There's something wrong with this cup.

Bella: You got that from House.

Edward: Yes, I did. I love that show.

Alice: That guy's British. He fakes the American accent and the limp.

Jake: Robert Pattinson is British.

Marcus: Who's Robert Pattinson?

Katie (me): He's an actor.

Bella: He looks like my Eddie-kins.

Marcus: Author, will you please go away?

Katie (me): *sniffle* Oh, well, don't worry about sparing my feelings. *leaves in a puff of smoke*

Marcus: Finally she leaves.

**Author's Note: Marcus is not nice to me. Nobody has posted anything on the skit thread. *sniffle* It's very sad, because it's a funny thread, and I can't double post (two posts in a row). So anyways, review please.**


	8. Chapter 8 Army of Kittens

**Author's Note: Hello my evil minions. *looks at cue cards* I mean lovely readers, unless you want to be a minion. I have decided to offer you guys the chance to be in the story—just review saying that you would like to be in it, and add your name. Although, if you are in the story, you're going to be evil and/or mean and/or insane. Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, George Lopez, "Barbie Girl", "Misery Business", "Who Said", "I Write Sins not Tragedies", or YouTube.**

Chapter Eight-Army of kittens

Marcus: Finally she leaves.

Caius: Sshh! Don't talk about her—she might come back if you do!

Edward: Nessie, I ate your dog.

Bella: No! Jacob! He was so young!

Renesmee: Dad, you didn't eat Jacob, he's right here.

Edward: Then who did I eat?

Marcus: Hopefully he ate the author.

Alice: Nope, I just saw her coming back to see us somewhere in this chapter.

Jasper: So this really is a story?

Emmett: Say hi to the readers everyone!

Jake: Hi to the readers! *waves*

Aro: *sniffle* Why didn't they wave back?

Caius: Why are you encouraging them?

Rosalie: He's drunk, don't you remember?

Jake: You 'member, 'member?

Emmett: I love that show!

Rosalie: I thought Emmett was normal.

Jasper: He's not high or drunk, if that's what you mean—he's just plain ole Emmett.

Marcus: *snaps his fingers* I've got it!

Bella: You've got H1N1?

Marcus: No, I have a plan.

Jasper: For what?

Marcus: We're going to get rid of the author.

Edward: But I like the author.

Katie (me): *poof* Thank you Edward. As for you, Marcus.

Marcus: *nervous laugh* You can't kill me—I'm indestructible.

Katie (me): No you're not.

Marcus: Yes I am.

Katie (me): No you're not.

Marcus: Yes I am.

Katie (me): No you're not.

Marcus: Yes I am.

Caius: Enough!

Marcus: Sorry.

Caius: *to author* Aren't you going to apologize?

Katie (me): Nope.

Emmett: Wow, she really is evil.

Katie (me): Why thank you Emmett.

Emmett: You're welcome.

Rosalie: Am I the only one who hasn't gone mad?!

Jake: You're always mad.

Rosalie: Am not!

Katie (me): Yeah, you kind of are.

Marcus: Go away!

Katie (me): After him my evil army of kittens!

Army of Kittens: Meow! *chases after Marcus*

Marcus: No! *starts running*

Emmett: Look Jake, cats! Go chase them!

Jake: Cats! *starts chasing cats on all fours (still in human form)*

Jasper: Emmett! Go sit down!

Emmett: Fine! *sits down in corner and pouts*

Alice: Karaoke time!

Renesmee: Not again…

Edward: I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…

Emmett: I'm so glad I brought a video camera. *recording the "karaoke time"*

Bella: I'm in the business of misery; let's take it from the top. She's got a body like an hourglass—it's ticking like a clock. It's a matter of time before we all run out. When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.

Alice: My turn! Who said, who said I can't be superman?

Caius: No! *starts running in circles, covering his ears*

Jasper: What's wrong?

Caius: Not Hannah Montana! Please no!

Katie (me): Yeah I agree. No Hannah Montana.

Aro: (Ooh) Well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor, and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words.

Katie (me): I love that song!

Renesmee: No more karaoke.

Emmett: I should put this on YouTube.

Bella: Where are Carlisle and Esme?

Jasper: Carlisle is at work and Esme is shopping I think.

Alice: *gasp* She didn't invite me!

Edward: Bella, why don't you eat?

Bella: Because I'm anorexic. *gasp* I have an eating disorder.

Rosalie: Bella, vampires don't need to eat.

Alice: So all vampires are anorexic?

Renesmee: No.

Jake: Ow! I'm on fire! *runs around in circles, flapping his arms*

Jasper: Jake, you're not on fire.

Edward: save Jake from the fire! *picks up a bucket of water and tosses it on Jake*

Jake: Now I'm all wet.

Katie (me): Wow, I should come here more often.

Marcus: Make the kittens go away!

Katie (me): Fine *snaps fingers and kittens go away*

Aro: She's a magician!

**Author's Note: Aro thinks I'm a magician? Okay. Don't forget to review and/or let me know if you want to be one of my evil minions. The first five to do so get the job-I mean opportunity.**


	9. Chapter 9 Bikini Bottom

**Author's Note: Okay, I have my minions and other people. You may not come in during this chapter, but you will come in within the next few. I don't think I'll be needing any more characters, but I'll let you know if I do. Also, in this chapter there's another Katie, so I separate me and other people by (me), (minion), (hobo), and (evil mastermind).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Spongebob Squarepants, the yellow polka dot bikini song, YouTube, or Volterra, yet.**

Chapter Nine-Bikini Bottom

Aro: She's a magician!

Katie (me): Minions!

Katie (minion): Yes?

Katie (me): Where are the others?

Adele: I'm right here!

Katie (me): I want all my minions!

Rosalie: Are you sure you're okay?

Kenzi (minion): You do not have permission to talk to Katie!

Katie (me): It's okay Kenzi, these are the Twilight people.

Emma (minion): Le gasp!

Renesmee: What happened to our normal, calm life?

Edward: We is vampires! We's not normal!

Jasper: Where is the Volturi guard?

Aro: They're playing mini golf.

Elle (minion): Where are they really?

Caius: Aro wasn't lying; they really are playing mini golf.

Marcus: *in fetal position on the floor* Too many evil people.

Alice: Why weren't we invited?!

Emmett: Why are they playing mini golf?

Caius: They have to get some time off. Volterra has job laws too.

Bella: *correcting Caius* Vulture-terra!

Katie (me): Good Bella. *pats head like a dog*

Jake: I thought I was the doggie!

Katie (minion): Wow these really are the Twilight people.

Katie (me): I told you so.

Edward: I want a Krabby Patty.

Rosalie: A Krabby Patty?

Alice: I want one!

Adele (minion): Let's go to the Krusty Krab!

Caius: What is a Krusty Krab?

Katie (me): It's in Bikini Bottom!

Jasper: A bikini?

Katie (me): Minions!

Minions (all): It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini that she wore for the first time today!

Katie (me): Very good. *claps hands in approval*

Marcus: *still lying on floor in fetal position* Honestly have you all gone insane?

Emma (minion): Yep!

Bella: Let's go to Bikini Bottom!

_So Katie (me), her minions, Jasper, Renesmee, Rosalie, Emmett, Edward, Bella, Jake, Alice, and Aro all go on the journey to Bikini Bottom._

Edward: Where are we?

Jake: I think we made a wrong turn.

Bella: No, we were supposed to make a left at the talking tree, which we did.

Emmett: So glad I brought a video camera.

Elle: You're putting this on YouTube?

Emmett: Of course I am.

Kenzi: Hi YouTube! *waves at video camera*

Katie (minion): I think we're here.

Spongebob: Hi everybody!

Katie (me): Spongebob! *runs and hugs Spongebob*

Spongebob: Get off me!

Jasper: What's wrong with him?

Rosalie: I don't know. He's a happy little sponge on the show.

Spongebob: It's called acting, losers.

Jake: I'm a doggy, want to see?

Spongebob: You're a dog?

Jake: Yeah, watch. *phases*

Spongebob: *screams* Dog! *runs away, terrified*

Adele (minion): Um, what was that about?

Emma (minion): Where's Patrick?

Patrick: Here I am. *wearing black clothing with odd makeup*

Elle (minion): Uh…

Aro: Patrick?

Patrick: Yes?

Emmett: I think Patrick's emo.

Renesmee: Patrick, are you emo?

Patrick: Is the sky blue?

Edward: I don't know.

Patrick: *sigh* Yes, yes it is.

Katie (minion): So…Patrick is emo?

Rosalie: Yeah, I guess so.

*awkward silence*

Adele (minion): I don't like Bikini Bottom any more.

Aro: Let's go back to my castle.

Bella: To Vulture-terra!

_Once again, the gang takes the adventurous journey to Vulture-terra._

Alice: Wait!

Emma (minion): What?

Alice: Were we supposed to go right or left at the talking tree?

Jasper: Left.

Elle (minion): Doesn't that change when we're coming back?

Emmett: Which way did we go?

Edward: We're lost!

Renesmee: I think we went left.

Jake: Where are we now?

Kenzi (minion): I think we were supposed to go right.

Edward: We're lost! *starts having a breakdown* We're going to die here! We have no food and no water!

Emmett: Edward you're going to die of starvation.

Rosalie: *glares at Emmett* Edward, you can't die of starvation if you're a vampire.

Bella: Is it because we're anorexic?

Jasper: For the billionth time, vampires don't need to eat.

Alice: Jazzy, I think it's only been three or four times.

Katie (me): Why do cats say meow?

Renesmee: Are you drunk?

Katie (me): Do I look twenty one to you?

Jake: Under-age drinking!

Katie (me): Jake, I didn't drink anything.

Rosalie: So you're always like this?

Katie (me): Yeah, pretty much.

Aro: Your minions scare me.

Katie (me): Fine. Minions, you may leave. *puff of smoke as the minions leave*

Edward: We're still lost!

**Author's Note: So what did you guys think of my minions? Was I pushing it or was that funny? Let me know in a review. Also, I couldn't use the other people right away, because I still need their names. They'll be in one of the next chapters.**


	10. Chapter 10 Candy Mountain

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry! *hides from objects being thrown by angry readers* I haven't been able to type because of CST's and finals for the past couple weeks. I'll have more tests next week, so it might take a while for the next chapter. Sorry! I will still be using the (me), (minion), (hobo), and (evil mastermind) word things to separate people. Also, I got my voice back! In this chapter, there is a Grey's Anatomy season finale spoiler.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Lost, Charlie the Unicorn, Peter Pan, Grey's Anatomy, the sith lord Alice idea (Twilight Lexicon skit thread), **

Chapter Ten-Candy Mountain

Edward: We're still lost!

Bella: That show is confusing.

Rosalie: Bella, you only watched one episode.

Jake: I watched two, and I still think it's confusing.

Alice: *has vision* Yay!

Jasper: What did you see Alice?

Alice: We're going to Candy Mountain.

Renesmee: We don't even know where we are. How are we supposed to get to Candy Mountain?

Emmett: Where is Candy Mountain?

Edward: Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning.

Jasper: That's Peter Pan, Edward.

Bella: Jasper is Peter Pan?!

Rosalie: Jasper isn't Peter Pan.

Emmett: So, how do we get to Candy Mountain?

Katie (me): Take a right at Candy Lane.

Renesmee: How do you know how to get there?

Katie (me): I know a lot of people. Some people know things.

Jake: Like drug dealers?

Katie (me): Um, other than those hobos by Starbucks, no.

Edward: I want to go to Candy Mountain!

Bella: Let's go!

Jasper: Why not just humor them?

Alice: Jazzy-poo, you want to go too?

Jasper: I don't think Candy Mountain really exists, but while we are on our way, we might find a city.

Rosalie: Good thinking.

Emmett: Yes! We get to go!

Edward: What if they take our kidneys?

Jake: What if Is and George don't make it?

Renesmee: What?

Jake: On Grey's Anatomy. What if they don't make it? The season finale had an awful ending—I want to know if they die or live, but the next episode is in four months.

Katie (me): I know! I think the script writers and directors do that just to annoy us!

Jennifer (evil mastermind): *poofs into appearance* Hello everyone.

Katie (me): Jennifer, what are you doing here?

Jennifer (evil mastermind): It's not Jennifer, it's the Cupcake Thief. I heard you had your cupcake stolen.

Katie (me): You stole it.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Now, let's not point fingers.

Katie (me): You stole my cupcake, you jerk-face.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Jerk-face?

Katie (me): Don't steal my word.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Okay, maybe I stole your cupcake.

Bella: I want a cupcake.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Who are these people?

Katie (me): These are the Twilight people.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Le gasp!

Emmett: Cupcake Thief?

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Yes!

Katie (me): Jenny, shut up!

Jennifer (evil mastermind): HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SUCH NICKNAMES!

Alice: I'm the only one who can be a sith lord!

Edward: Sith lord Alice!

Alice: Don't talk to me peasant!

Bella: Meanie!

Jennifer (evil mastermind): So these are really the Twilight people?

Jake: *speaking with slur again* Hi, I'm Jackob. *pronounces it jah-kob*

Renesmee: It's Jacob, honey, not Jackob.

Jake: No, I changed my name.

Edward: Aren't we going to Candy Mountain?

Jennifer (evil mastermind): I want to go!

Rosalie: Are you serious?

Jasper: Yes, she is, I can feel her seriousness.

Renesmee: Uncle Jazz, please tell me you aren't drunk.

Jasper: Nope.

Renesmee: Good.

Jasper: I'm high.

Emmett: Oh, this is too good.

Renesmee: Jasper!

Jasper: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Alice: Jazzy-poo! You joined us!

Bella: You're an official high club member!

Katie (me): I WANT TO GO TO CANDY MOUNTAIN!

Rosalie: Sheesh, calm down.

Emmett: You need to say the magic word, Katie.

Katie (me): NOW!

Emmett: OKAY! Let's go to Candy Mountain before Katie has an aneurism.

Katie (me): You remembered my name!

Emmett: *whispering* Nobody tell her that she's wearing a name tag.

Bella: Off to Candy Mountain!

**Author's Note: Once again, I'm so sorry I couldn't update for a while, and won't be able to pdate for a while. I have a lot of tests. Review please!**


	11. Chapter 11 Charlie the Unicorn

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I just started writing more of my other story and started obsessing over it (yes, it's a serious story, not a comedy). Don't throw things at me! *ducks* I said don't throw things at me! Ow! That pen hit my eye! *sobs***

**Disclaimer:**

**Me- Jake! Get your furry butt over here!**

**Jake- Oh great it's you gain. What do you need?**

**Me- Say this disclaimer.**

**Jake- I already did! Why do I need to do it this time?**

**Me- Because a pen hit my eye!**

**Jake- Suck it up.**

**Me- *sith lord* SAY IT!**

**Jake- OKAY! Purple-panda95 does not own Twilight, Charlie the Unicorn, the Twilight Lexicon, Starbucks,**

Chapter 11-Charlie the Unicorn

Bella: Off to Candy Mountain!

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Yes! *shoots arm in air*

Renesmee: What did I do to get here?

Rosalie: You married the dog.

Jake: Arf!

Renesmee: Rose, stop insulting Jake like that.

Rosalie: No, I'm serious. If Jake wasn't here, then Bella wouldn't have had to make Jake spaghetti. She wouldn't have had to look in the cabinet and find the vodka.

Edward: Why do they call strawberries strawberries?

Jasper: Brother, I've never understood that.

Alice: Jazzy-poo is high!

Rosalie: Jasper, you really shouldn't get high.

Emmett: Why do they call them strawberries though?

Katie (me): They're not straws, and they don't look like berries.

Bella: They should be called red seedy things!

Renesmee: Red seedy things?

Jennifer (evil mastermind): She just said that! Are you deaf?

Katie (me): Jen, shut up.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): THOU SHALL NOT CALL ME BY NICKNAMES! I AM THE CUPCAKE THEIF AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL CALL ME!

Alice: ONLY I CAN BE A SITH LORD!

Emmett: Sheesh, Alice can be pretty evil.

Jasper: Are we going to Candy Mountain or not?!

Edward: Let's go!

_Some random person Katie chose to be the narrator: Dude, I'm just a cashier at Starbucks; I don't know these people or what they're doing._

_Katie (me): SAY IT!_

_Some random person Katie chose to be the narrator: Can you at least call me by my name?_

_Katie (me): Bob, just say what I told you to._

_Bob: *in deep narrator voice* The Cullens, Jennifer, and Katie all travel to Candy Mountain._

_Katie (me): See, I wasn't even creative with that. It's not like it was hard to say._

_Bob: Maybe I wanted to be creative._

_Katie (me): Oh just shut up and go back to Starbucks._

_Bob: Fine._

_Katie (me): And get me a White Chocolate Raspberry Mocha!_

_Bob: Okay. *mumbles* I'm not getting her a mocha._

Emmett: Were we supposed to hear that?

Katie (me): Um…yes?

Renesmee: Okay then?

Rosalie: So where's this Charlie?

Bella: Daddy!

Alice: Bella is a unicorn vampy?

Bella: Yessir.

Jasper: No, Alice is a lady.

Bella: Yeslady. That doesn't sound as good.

Edward: Jazzy, you're from the South, how do you say yessir to a lady?

Jake: Does anyone remember that I'm here?!

Emmett: Jake, you were busy doing something.

Renesmee: Doing what?

Jake: Dancing like a pretty ballerina.

Jasper: You're supposed to say yes ma'am.

Charlie the Unicorn: Give that back!

Jennifer (evil mastermind): No! I can steal your candy if I want to!

Katie (me): Jen, just give it back to him.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): I told you to call me The Cupcake Thief.

Katie (me): Cupcake Thief, give it back to him—that just doesn't sound good in a normal conversation.

Charlie the Unicorn: Cupcake Thief?

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Shut up and go look for your kidney!

Charlie the Unicorn: That commercial said the cream would make the scar go away! *starts crying*

Katie (me): See, now you upset Charlie.

Bella: Daddy!

Charlie the Unicorn: Bella? Is that you?

**Author's Note: Hehe, cliffie—sort of, not really but still. I realized that compared to other skit stories, my chapters are pretty long. Aren't I nice to you? Okay now go get me a coffee. Yes, you in the blue shirt. Don't run away from me! Okay, well while I chase down this person you should review! *runs off chasing a person in a blue shirt***


	12. Chapter 12 Vodka Pool

**Author's Note: Hey, sorry I haven't been able to update in a while. I've been busy. All my tests are done though! No more finals or CSTs—at least, not for half a year. Anyways, thank you so much to all my reviewers—this is my most popular story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Charlie the Unicorn, McDonald's, YouTube, the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" song, the alphabet, or Batman, but guess what? I do own the shrooms, so ha!**

Chapter Twelve-Vodka Pool

Charlie the Unicorn: Bella? Is that you?

Bella: Yes, Daddy.

Charlie the Unicorn: Where have you been all these years?

Bella: I've been getting high with hobos.

Charlie the Unicorn: Why didn't you invite me?

Emmett: Well Nessie, it looks like Charlie the Unicorn is you grandpa.

Charlie the Unicorn: Grandpa? You got pregnant?!

Bella: Yessir.

Charlie the Unicorn: With who?

Edward: Me!

Alice: It's not who, it's whom.

Charlie the Unicorn: *checks Edward out* Nice job, Bella.

Rosalie: Did Edward just get checked out by Charlie the Unicorn?

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Oh wow.

Katie (me): Does anyone remember I'm here?

Jake: Hey, you're not one of the Twilight people. I am. They should remember me.

Jasper: I want McDonald's.

Renesmee: There isn't one around here.

Charlie the Unicorn: Do you live here? I didn't think so! Of course we have a McDonald's.

Rosalie: *whispers to Renesmee* They won't be high if they eat human food.

Renesmee: Everyone to McDonald's!

Charlie the Unicorn: Follow me. It's right around the corner.

Alyssa (hobo): Hey it's Rosie-posie and Eddie-kins!

Renesmee: How does she know you?

Rosalie: Edward and I were here before.

Edward: Yeah, there's a pool of vodka.

Emmett: Brilliant! *pushes Renesmee and Rosalie into the pool of vodka*

Renesmee: *gets out of pool* Haha, that was fun.

Alice: You joined the high club!

Rosalie: We aren't high.

Jasper: But you're drunk.

Jake: That's close enough.

Alyssa (hobo): *speaking with slur* You guys look familiar. I just can't put my finger on it. *truck passes by with a Twilight ad* Nope, I thought I knew you, but I don't.

Jennifer (evil mastermind): I have all the cupcakes I can carry for now, so I'm going to go back to the Evil Mastermind Guild.

Charlie the Unicorn: Evil Mastermind Guild?

Bella: Are you people deaf?!

Edward: I thought we weren't people.

Charlie the Unicorn: Emmett, aren't you going to give them some food so they won't be high anymore?

Emmett: No, that would be stupid. If they aren't high, then I have no entertainment. Besides, I'm putting this on YouTube.

Jasper: The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and washed the spider out, up came the sun and it dried out all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again.

Alice: I can sing my ABC's! A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z, now I know my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me?

Jennifer (evil mastermind): Okay, I'm going to leave now. *puff of smoke as Jen disappears*

Katie (me): Yes! She's gone!

Jake: That's not a nice thing to say.

Katie (me): I never said I was nice, now did I?

Renesmee: She's got a point.

Edward: Who's thinking about tacos?

Charlie the Unicorn: What?

Edward: I just keep hearing the word tacos.

Rosalie: I want tacos okay? I've never had one.

Bella: You've never had a taco?

Alice: Le gasp!

Jasper: Pixie lady, that's not French.

Jake: It's the shrooms! Run for your dead lives!

Bella: The shrooms are back?!

Batman: Na na na na na na shrooms!

Emmett: *still with video camera* Once this hits YouTube, I'm going to be famous.

Alyssa (hobo): Whoa, it's that bat dude.

Batman: Batman! Now I am off to rule my shroom people! *runs off*

Katie (me): Emmett, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Emmett: Muffins are just ugly cupcakes?

Renesmee: That's so true!

Katie (me): No, I was thinking since you and I are the only sober ones here, why don't we humiliate everyone else?

Emmett: That's a brilliant idea!

Rosalie: Time for truth or dare!

**Author's Note: Yep, truth or dare. So I need you guys to review or PM me with your best truths or dares. Humiliating ones are the best. Thanks!**


	13. Chapter 13 Truth or Dare

**Author's Note: Thanks for all the dares. I'm not exactly great at coming up with my own, so I really appreciate your help.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, **

Chapter 13-Truth or Dare

Rosalie: Time for truth or dare!

Emmett: Me first! Me first!

Katie (me): Okay Emmett, pick someone.

Emmett: Katie, truth or dare?

Katie (me): Uh, I've read the types of dares you give, so I'm going with truth.

Emmett: Wimp. Hmm how do I embarrass you? I've got my camera rolling, now to ask the question. Oh, I've got one! Do you find Jake attractive?

Katie (me): Oh my gosh, yes. I saw the New Moon trailer and wow. Taylor with his shirt off…. Crap, you're going to show this to Nessie aren't you?

Emmett: Oh yeah.

Katie (me): Dang you. Bella, truth or dare?

Bella: Dare, duh.

Katie (me): I dare you to keep your daughter from killing me when she sees that tape.

Alice: That was a waste of a dare.

Katie (me): Hey, I needed that.

Bella: My turn! Jakey-poo, truth or dare?

Jake: Dare.

Bella: I dare you to go lick some old lady's foot.

Jake: Why?

Bella: 'Cause I said so.

Jake: Fine. *walks up to old lady*

Old Lady: Hello, young man, may I help you?

Jake: Give me your foot.

Old Lady: I beg your pardon?

Jake: I want to lick your foot.

Old Lady: *hits Jake with purse* Get away from me you little rascal!

Jake: Ow! *runs away* Now what do I do? She wouldn't let me lick her foot.

Renesmee: Lick grandma's foot.

Emmett: Esme?

Katie (me): *sarcastic* No, her other grandma…

Emmett: Renee's still alive?

Katie (me): *head-palm*

Jake: Edward, truth or dare?

Edward: Dare, I'm not a wimp like Kitty-cat.

Katie (me): I needed that! Did you just call me Kitty-cat?

Edward: Maybe…

Jake: Remember Ms. Cope from Forks High School?

Edward: Yessir.

Jake: I dare you to call her and ask her on a date, then go on that date.

Edward: She's still alive?

Jake: Yessir.

Edward: *pulls out phone, dials number* Hello? Ms. Cope? Yes, this is Edward Cullen from Forks High School, I was wondering if you would like to go out some time. Oh that's great, so I'll pick you up at five on Saturday. *hangs up*

Jake: How'd it go?

Edward: I gots me a date.

Bella: With Ms. Cope!

Edward: Alice, truth or dare?

Alice: Truth.

Edward: have you "seen" any of us doing it?

Alice: Duh. I see everything. You guys do it in weird places too. Edward, I would buy a new piano if I were you.

Edward: *shock*

Alice: Ms. Loch Ness Monster lady, truth or dare?

Renesmee: Dare.

Alice: I dare you to run through Wal-mart at human speed…

Renesmee: That's easy.

Alice: Wait, I didn't finish. I dare you to run through Wal-mart at human speed, naked.

Jake: But guys will be there.

Alice: Yeah? So?

Jake: They can't see her!

Alice: Too bad, I dared her to, she has to do it.

Renesmee: There's no Wal-mart around here.

Alice: When we leave we'll find one.

Renesmee: Do we wait until I finish my dare or do it then continue?

Jasper: We'd better make her do her dare now, so that we know she actually finished it.

Alice: Okay, there's a Wal-mart a few miles away from here.

_So everyone runs over to Wal-mart…_

Katie (me): Wait! I can't run that fast! *talks to self* Stupid human! Go faster!

_Twenty minutes later…_

Emmett: What took you so long?

Katie (me): *huff* I can't *puff* run *pant* as fast *pant* as you.

Bella: Wimpy human.

Alice: Okay, Nessie, time for your dare.

Renesmee: Do I have to?

Alice: Yes, now get it done, or I will make it worse.

Renesmee: How can it get worse?

Edward: Tsk tsk tsk. You never ask "how can it get worse," especially not with Alice around. Don't you watch any movies? It always gets worse after you say that.

Alice: You have to scream "I'm a free soul, saving the world, one Wal-mart at a time."

Emmett: That doesn't make any sense.

Katie (me): She's drunk, what did you expect?

Emmett: Touché.

Renesmee: Fine. *takes off clothes and runs through Wal-mart* I'm a free soul, saving the world, one Wal-mart at a time!

Edward: Wow, the people in there have dirty minds…dirtier than Emmett's.

Katie (me): Psh, you don't know the people at my school…

Jake: What school do you go to?

Katie (me): I can't tell you, because if I tell you, then you'll follow me there, and that will make you a stalker, and I don't like stalkers. On second thought, maybe I should tell you where I go to school…*ponders*

Renesmee: I'm back. Rosalie, truth or dare?

Rosalie: Dare.

Renesmee: I dare you…

**Author's Note: Hehe, cliffie. Anyways, did anyone else see the trailer? It was so amazing. They did really well on the wolf, I was afraid it was going to be puny, but it's pretty big. Reviews please!**


	14. Chapter 14 Pineapple Sniffing

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I haven't had a chance to get on the computer long enough to type and upload a chapter. *hit with club* Ow! Please! Don't hurt me! *hit again* Ow! I said don't hurt me! *hit again* Ow! Jerkface! I asked nicely!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Spongebob Squarepants, YouTube, **

Chapter Fourteen-Pineapple Sniffing

Renesmee: I dare you to paint your car bright pink with black skulls on it.

Rosalie: *shocked*

Emmett: All right Nessie! *high fives*

Renesmee: Ow! You hurt my hand's face!

Katie (me): Well, the alcohol obviously isn't wearing off. I actually have to leave. I need to go sniff a pineapple.

Jake: Sniff a pineapple? I wanna try!

Alice: Can we get high?

Bella: Oh my Edward! That rhymed! We could be rappers!

Edward: *starts rapping* Sniff a pineapple, I wanna try, to sniff a pineapple, and maybe get high.

Katie (me): I'm scarred for life, thanks a lot Edward.

Edward: Your welcome!

Katie (me): *puff of smoke as I disappear*

Jasper: Bye magic lady!

Renesmee: I scared Rosie's voice away! *claps*

Emmett: She just left me! How am I supposed to handle seven, fully grown, drunk adults?

Jake: You could give us pie.

Alice: Three point one four one five nine-

Emmett: Alice! I don't care about pi!

Jasper: I want pie! Give it to me or I'll start cutting myself!

Edward: No! Jazzy don't go emo on us! Only the sponge's starfish friend can do that!

Bella: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Rosalie: Spongebob Squarepants!

Jake: Ooh! Pineapple!

Renesmee: Rosie's voice is back! Did you get larynginger?

Emmett: Do you mean laryngitis?

Renesmee: Yeah, what he said.

Rosalie: I think so, but I'm all better now!

Bella: Yay for Rosie!

Alice: *screams*

Jasper: Pixie-lady, what's wrong?

Alice: Squirrels! They're everywhere!

Jake: The chipmunky thingamajigs?

Alice: NO! Squirrels! They're going to take over the world!

Emmett: How do you know that?

Alice: I saw five of them in a meeting. They were in a circle, and they were talking. They're going to take over the world and enslave the human race!

Emmett: Alice.

Alice: What?

Emmett: We're vampires.

Alice: Oh.

Edward: I want a pineapple.

Jake: I want to sniff one!

Edward, Jasper & Jake: *start rapping* Sniff a pineapple, I wanna try, to sniff a pineapple, and maybe get high.

Emmett: Okay, I understand what Katie was saying about being scarred for life. Man, does this stuff ever wear off? It's getting tiring to watch you guys all the time.

Bella: Ow, my head hurts. What happened? Where are we?

Emmett: Bella! You're not high or drunk anymore!

Bella: I was drunk?

Renesmee: And high.

Rosalie: You left the high club! Jerkface!

Bella: Emmett, what's going on?

Emmett: You got drunk, then we all went to go find fast food to have you eat so you could choke it back up, and everyone ended up getting high, even Aro, and there's this really weird kid named Katie who apparently has evil minions, and there's also Jennifer who makes everyone call her the Cupcake Thief.

Bella: *shocked* Wow.

Emmett: Yeah, I've been videotaping the whole thing. I'm going to put it on YouTube.

Bella: Emmett, you can't do that.

Emmett: Why not?

Bella: We're vampires.

Emmett: Aw, crud.

**Author's Note: Once again, I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. Review please!**

**Warning: I might not be able to update soon again.**

**Plea: Go read my story North Star, it has a lot of chapters, so you will be able to read a lot before you need to wait for me to update.**


	15. Chapter 15 Propostition Eight and a Half

**Author's Note: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had written everything down in my science notebook, then I was done with Science, so I threw it away, forgetting about the chapter. I had to rewrite everything. Sorry!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Wizard of Oz.**

Chapter 15-Proposition Eight and a Half

Emmett: Aw, crud.

Bella: Wow, Emmett, really.

Alice: I want a cookie!

Bella: Okay, let's go find some. *mumbles* Maybe they'll get you all normal again.

Edward: *starts singing off key* Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly! Birds fly over the rainbow, why oh why can't I?

Emmett: *laughs* Edward's singing about rainbows.

Jasper: Vote no on proposition eight!

Renesmee: I don't get why straight people are so mean to gay people. I mean, it's not like gay people are making proposition eight and a half, where straight people can't have a real wedding.

Jake: Yeah!

Rosalie: Vote yes on proposition eight and a half!

Edward & Jasper: Woo! *high five*

Bella: Edward, you're straight.

Edward: I've been meaning to talk to you about that…

Bella: What?!

Emmett: My brother's gay?

Jasper: Brothers. Who do you think he went gay for?

Alice: No Jazzy, don't leave me!

Rosalie: Ali, don't worry about him! I thought you loved me!

Alice: Oh, I knew that.

Emmett: Rosie baby! You can't leave me!

Jake: Don't worry Nessie! We'll get married secretly!

Renesmee: Yeah! Let's break the law!

Emmett: That's my niece! *high fives Nessie*

Bella: Emmett, why are you encouraging her?!

Edward: It's Emmett.

Bella: Touché.

Jake: No, Bella, it's pronounced touchy.

Bella: No, the e doesn't have the long e sound.

Jasper: It's touchy!

Jake: *shakes head* Ow, my head hurts. What happened?

Bella: Finally!

Emmett: You got drunk, dude. You got drunk, then high, and a bunch of stuff happened, and now we're here.

Jake: It smells like alcohol.

Bella: Everyone's drunk, high, or both.

Jake: Wow.

Bella: Jake, go to the nearest fast food place, and order a bunch of food. We need to get everyone back to normal.

Jake: I don't have any money with me.

Bella: Does anyone have money with them?

Alice: Why should we give you our money? We worked hard for it.

Bella: No, Carlisle gave it to you. Um, let's play a game. Whoever gives me their wallet first gets a cookie.

Alice: But I don't want a cookie.

Bella: You just said you wanted one earlier!

Alice: I can change my mind, Bella.

Jasper: I want a cookie!

Bella: Give me your wallet.

Jasper: I don't have my wallet.

Bella: Where is it?

Jasper: Eddie-poo has it.

Bella: Edward, give me Jasper's wallet.

Edward: I don't have it.

Bella: Why not?

Edward: A birdie took it.

Jake: Wow.

Edward: I have my wallet though!

Bella: Good. Give Jake your wallet.

Edward: *hands wallet to Jake* Don't forget my cookie!

Renesmee: And bring us some more booze!

Rosalie: And crickets! I want to eat one!

Jake: Um, okay. *leaves*

Jasper: *starts skipping in circles* I'm a pretty princess.

Alice: I'm a superhero! *starts running around with arms in front of her like a superhero flying around* Zoom! Super Alice is coming to save the day!

Edward: I want to be a pink unicorn! *starts prancing around and moving head like he has a horn*

Bella: What have I gotten myself into?

Renesmee: A can of pop!

Rosalie: Ooh, rootbeer!

**Author's Note: Review please!**


	16. Chapter 16 Twelve is a Dozen

**Author's Note: I don't really have much to say here…awkward silence…bye.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

Chapter 16-Twelve is a Dozen

Rosalie: Ooh, rootbeer!

_Jake is looking for food to fix the Cullens. He comes up to a building that looks like it sells food._

Jake: Oh, donuts. That'll work. *enters store* Hello, I want a dozen old fashioned chocolate donuts and a dozen plain glazed donuts. Actually, never mind, I just want twelve of each.

Cashier: Twelve is a dozen.

Jake: Don't talk to me like that.

Cashier: I'm not saying you're dumb.

Jake: Aha! I never accused you of saying I'm dumb, but you said that you thought I was! That means you really were thinking that I was dumb! And you lied to me!

Cashier: Sir, are you alright?

Jake: Don't talk to me like that!

Cashier: Like what?

Jake: Don't talk to me like I'm insane! I'm perfectly fine, okay?

Cashier: Um…do you want the donuts?

Jake: Yes I do!

Cashier: Um, here you go.

Jake: How much?

Cashier: If you leave, it's free.

Jake: Aw, how nice. *leaves*

Cashier: What the…?

Jake: Super Jake is coming to save the day! I've got donuts to fix the silly people! *starts singing* I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, and dress me everywhere!

Emmett: *doubles over laughing* I thought Jake was normal again!

Bella: He was, but what happened.

Jake: I ate a bag of pixie stix!

Bella: He has a sugar high!

Jake: Aha I like pixie stix.

Alice: Those are mine!

Edward: What if you have two pixie stix? Are they called pixie stix or pickie stixes?

Rosalie: I vote for pixie stixes!

Bella: Jake, give me the donuts.

Jake: But I'm hungry.

Rosalie: Hungry, hungry hippos!

Bella: Eat one, and then you can have whatever is left over.

Jake: Fine, I want an old fashioned chocolate one.

Bella: Everyone eat a donut.

Alice: *eats donut* I think I'm going to be sick… *runs off*

Everyone except Bella, Emmett, and Jake: *runs off and comes back after a little while*

Edward: What happened?

Bella: You got drunk.

Emmett: And high.

Alice: Who all did?

Bella: Everyone.

Jasper: Wow.

Renesmee: I'm never going near drugs or alcohol again.

Jake: Hehe, pixie stix…

Edward: What happened to him?

Emmett: He got a sugar high from a bag of pixie stix.

Jake: Pixie stixes! Ooh, vodka!

Everyone: Jake, no!

**Author's Note: Aw, that's the end of the story. If anyone wants to add to it though, go ahead. Let me know if you choose to though, I'd love to see what you come up with. Love you guys!**


	17. Chapter 17 Jasper's Smarticle

**Author's Note: Hola my wonderful readers. I've come to a compromise: I'll occasionally add crack-filled chapters that don't exactly go with the plot of trying-to-get-Cullens-sober, but are basically the same thing. Kay? All you have to do is read and review.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Wow that's the only thing mentioned in this chapter? Huh.**

Chapter 17-Jasper's Smarticle!

Edward: What??

Katie (me): Do you not know how to read? I just said what was going on in the author's note!

Edward: I have to go through this crap again?

Katie (me): *checks IQ test* Okay, you can score high on any test, but you can't understand that I'm putting you through this mess again?

Edward: What happened to The End?

Katie (me): Do you not understand that there is just too much funny in me to be contained?

Edward: Being your retarded self isn't all that funny.

Katie (me): Jerkface! I'm funny when I'm not in person, okay?

Edward: No, not really.

Emmett: *slurred speech* So we's gonna gets more crack nows?

Katie (me): Affirmative.

Edward: What are you? A space commander? Sitting in the front on Space Mountain does not qualify you as a space captain.

Katie (me): Does too! Isn't that right, Emmett?

Emmett: Don' look at mes, I's just waiting for ze drugs.

Katie (me): Here. *tosses random packages at Emett*

Emmett: Woo!

Edward: I hate you.

Katie (me): Aw, I love you too.

Edward: You should, I mean you have a poster of me on your wall.

Katie (me): *blushing* It's the new moon movie poster! You're only one of the three people on it.

Edward: The other poster, smart one.

Katie (me): Jerk! That's my insult!

Edward: Um, no. I'm pretty sure your entire school says that.

Katie (me): So?

Edward: So you have a poster of me on your wall.

Katie (me): I only got it because it has my favorite saying. Other than…

Edward: Don't say it.

Katie (me): Sure, sure!

Edward: No!

Katie (me): Haha, take that! Team Jacob rocks!

Jacob: Did someone say my name?

Katie (me): Well that depends.

Jacob: On what?

Katie (me): Am I a someone or a no one?

Edward: No one.

Jacob: I think you're a someone.

Katie (me): Aw Jake how nice! *hugs Jake*

Edward: He's only saying that because you're Team Jacob.

Jacob: Shut up! She's giving me vodka for this!

Katie (me): *hands Jacob bottle*

Jacob: Awesome.

Rosalie: *climbing out of pit of forgotten fanfiction characters* That bitch! Putting me in the pit of forgotten fanfiction characters… Who does she think she is?

Katie (me): Ahem.

Rosalie: Katie! It's so nice to see you again!

Katie (me): Erm, who were you talking about just now?

Rosalie: Errr, no one?

Edward: *laughs*

Katie (me): Edward, say I'm a someone, or into the pit you go.

Edward: Hmm, it's probably better than this, but then again, vodka? Hmm, pit or vodka, pit or vodka?

Katie (me): The shrooms are down there.

Edward: Vodka it is then!

Jasper: We're seriously doing this again?

Katie (me): How many times do I have to say this?

Alice: Two more times should do it.

Katie (me): We are going through this again. We are going through this again.

Alice: I didn't mean in a row, you idiot. Bella and Renesmee still have to hear it.

Katie (me): Sheesh, you guys sure are a lot meaner when you're out of character.

Rosalie: And you're a lot dumber when you're out of character.

Katie (me): What character?

Rosalie: Umm, never mind.

Emmett: That's a strange saying.

Edward: Emmett, shut up. You're drunk, everything is strange to you.

Emmett: No I mean it! Never mind. What's up with that?

Jasper: It means never you mind, as in don't worry about it.

Emmett: Ooh, Jasper's smarticle!

Jasper: Smarticle? Who wrote this again?

Katie (me): Are you all deaf?? How many times have I said I'm the author? And I have a very creative vocabulary! So sue me!

Cullens' Lawyer: *pops into scene, ready to file a law suit*

Katie (me): I was just kidding!

Cullens' Lawyer: Aw crud. *falls into pit of forgotten fanfiction characters, aka PFFC*

Bella: *walking out of pit, out of breath* Why are there so many stairs in there?

Nessie: *stepping out of elevator* That elevator sure is convenient.

Bella: *to Katie (me)* I hate you.

Nessie: *points at Katie (me)* What's she doing here?

Katie (me): We're going through this chaos again.

Bella: What??

Katie (me): *checks description of Bella* How can she not be deaf??

**Author's Note: Wow, that was a long chapter. Anyways, hope you peeps enjoyed it. Review!**


	18. Chapter 18 Arachibutyrphobia

**Author's Note: Aha, that's funny. I got my first flame! And you know what's surprising? It's on this story. I was expecting my first flame to be on one of my other stories (most likely Midnight Part One—it was the first story I'd written), because they're not funny like this one, they're serious.**

"**You messed the whole think up by adding your self and other people in the story. It is so retarded now."**

**To whoever reviewed the flame:**

**1-You don't need to make it anonymous. I won't track you down or something. I'm not a stalker, I swear. Don't listen to what Cory says. (Be free to call me a retard, I will take it as a compliment.)**

**2-It's supposed to be retarded. Isn't there a warning or something? If not please let me know, I really should warn people about the retarded content.**

**3-If it's so retarded, why have you read seventeen chapters, when I added myself in around Chapter 6? *giggles* Vulture-terra.**

**4-The other people are awesome, thank you very much. However, I have been known to mess things up, like doors. I just can't seem to stop running into them.**

**5-If you're still reading, you're probably thinking, "This girl is such an idiot." Well that's sort of the point of the whole story and author's note.**

**6-(Sorry, just a grammar geek.) Yourself is one word.**

**Anyway, thank you for the flame; I was actually wondering when I'd get one. And I'm actually serious, I'm not using sarcasm (a rare event for me, so be grateful for that).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader, the Twilight Lexicon, the game (belongs to the skit thread on the Twilight Lexicon), the Easy Button, or Batman, but the shrooms are mine—sort of.**

**Warning: The following content is retarded. You've been warned.**

Chapter 18-Arachibutyrphobia

Edward: So when does the torture begin?

Katie (me): When you people-

Jake: They're not people, they're bloodsuckers.

Katie (me): Oh my waffle! I just had an epiphany!

Everybody: *waits*

Katie (me): Oh. You want me to say it?

Rosalie: That's sort of what people do after they have epiphanies.

Katie (me): Mosquitoes suck blood, right?

Everyone: Right.

Katie (me): And vampires suck blood too, right?

Dracula: We do not suck, we scrape, and lick!

Mandy: This is the wrong door, moron. *opens door and goes into the hallway of fiction*

Katie (me): Um, okay. So vampires are like mosquitoes!

Edward: Aha, nice try, retard. Mosquito venom won't kill you.

Katie (me): Yeah, but it itches.

Emmett: I want a cookie.

Alice: We don't eat cookies.

Emmett: Katie, can I have a cookie?

Katie (me): …

Emmett: Fine. Oh mighty, wonderful, brilliant author, can I have a cookie?

Katie (me): Sure! *throws cookie at Emmett*

Jasper: *cough cough* Suck-up *cough cough*

Emmett: Jthpe we don cof. We vampith, thilly.

Rosalie: Emmett, we don't speak gibberish.

Katie (me): *raises hand* Ooh, ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Bella: You speak gibberish?

Katie (me): I don't just speak it, I'm fluent. *mumbles* If only it were that easy with Spanish.

Nessie: What did he say?

Katie (me): He said, "Jasper, we don't cough. We're vampires, silly."

Edward: Are you sure he's not still high?

Katie (me): I don't know. I have no idea what goes on in that pit, because I'm out there… *takes off sunglasses (that weren't on before, but somehow appeared) for serious expression* …in the real world.

Bella: …You mean high school?

Katie (me): Maybe. *pronounces it meh-beh*

Edward: Really? That could have fooled me, because you have the intelligence of a sixth grader.

Katie (me): No! I've only won "Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?" a few times, thank you! Wait…

Edward: See? You can't even tell which side of the argument you're on!

Katie (me): In my defense, those are not all fifth grade questions. I mean, there were some eleventh grade questions on that. The show looks so easy, but not the game…not the game.

Emmett: Hehe, do you wanna play a game?

Rosalie: What game?

Emmett: You lose!

Rosalie: Huh?

Emmett: Okay, from the moment I ask, "Do you want to play the game?" you're playing the game. You don't ever stop—well, if you're human then you play until you die. If you think about the game or talk about the game, then you lose.

Edward: But you're talking about the game right now. Wouldn't that mean you lose?

Emmett: Aw, crap.

Katie (me): Aha, I love that thing.

Emmett: You lose!

Katie (me): No I didn't.

Emmett: You were talking about something!

Katie (me): Um…*thinks*…I was talking about the easy button.

Emmett: Okay, you've escaped this time.

Batman: *jumps out of nowhere* Nanananananana shrooms! *jumps away*

Jake: Um, what was that about?

Katie (me): I don't know.

Jake: You wrote it.

Katie (me): What's your point?

Jake: Never mind.

Katie (me): Ahahaha, I learned this awesome new word the other day. You want to hear it?

Edward: No.

Katie (me): Kay, I'm going to tell you anyway. Arachibutyrphobia.

Bella: What's that mean?

Edward: Don't encourage her.

Katie (me): It's the fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth. It's a real word, too. Isn't that awesome?

Rosalie: Not really.

Emmett: That's amazing! Arachibutyrphobia! Aha it's fun to say! Arachibutryphobia!

**Author's Note: That actually is a real word, believe it or not. Anyway, *makes thinking noise, which sounds like exhaling…because it is* I can't remember what I was going to put here. Hmm…awkward. Okay, I hope I can get a few reviews from you peeps. Adios! (That means goodbye, just in case you didn't know.)**


	19. Chapter 19 Can You Spell Burn?

**Author's Note: I'm really very sorry, everyone, but Katie died in a car crash. Taking her place is the president of Saturn! *waits for applause* Aw, come on, it wasn't that cruel a joke. I mean, I know I haven't updated in forever, and that could have very well happened, but please, no car can escape my catlike reflexes! Though, I do look right then left, instead of left then right. You'd think I was British or something. Aha, they have cool accents.**

**Who saw New Moon? I went to the midnight premiere! It's so amazing! I won't tell you anything about it, just in case you haven't seen it yet, but…it's amazing. Honestly, the word amazing doesn't even fit.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, the burn comments (from my hilarious Spanish classmates/teacher), Harry Potter, Canada, America, Trolli sour gummy worms,**

Chapter 19-Can You Spell Burn?

Emmett: Hey guys, did you ever notice how many times Bella is in the Twilight movies?

Edward: She's the narrator, you idiot.

Jake: Hey guys, do you smell that? It smells like…burnt toast!

Katie (me): Not even burnt toast, it's the stuff you scrape off the burnt toast.

Jake: Oh yeah! *high fives Katie (me)*

Katie (me): What's cookin' good lookin'?

Nessie: Back off, dreamer.

Jake: Emmett! That's what's cookin'!

Bella: Honestly, you two act like kindergarteners.

Rosalie: You just stole the words out of my mouth.

Jasper: Bella, you really shouldn't be putting your hands in people's mouths, especially not to steal things. Go wash your hands.

Bella: What are you? My dad?

Jake: Oh! Can you spell burn?

Emmett: We're gonna need some ointment for that!

Katie (me): Where's Alice?

Alice: I'm right here.

Edward: Right where?

Alice: Here. *her head appears out of nowhere, floating in the middle of the air*

Emmett: Alice! You've lost your head!

Rosalie: Alice, would you care to explain why your head is floating?

Alice: *body appears, and she has cloth in hand* It wasn't, I was wearing the invisibility cloak.

Katie (me): Alice! That's like, sacrilegious!

Bella: No, Katie, valley girls do not use the word sacrilegious on a daily basis.

Katie (me): I am not a valley girl, I…I don't really fit into any category, really.

Jake: You're a Jacob-lover.

Katie (me): I don't think Team Jacob counts in this situation.

Nessie: *angry face*

Katie (me): What? I can't be Team Jacob?

Nessie: No.

Emmett: Aww, Nessie's jealous.

Nessie: Jealous of what?

Katie (me): Psh, why wouldn't you be jealous of be?

Rosalie: No comment.

Katie (me): Yeah, not the best time to use that comeback, eh?

Jasper: What are you? Canadian?

Katie (me): Hey! I am American and I have the freedom of speech! Which means I can say whatever I want! Curwhibble!

Emmett: Um, yeah I haven't been able to speak gibberish since...well…the last chapter, really.

Jasper: Curwhibble is a name for things that you don't know the name of. The back of your knee is a curwhibble.

Katie (me): Whoa, Jasper are you in my English class?

Rosalie: That makes sense…how?

Katie (me): Well, every week my teacher teaches us this really weird word.

Bella: Okaaay…

Alice: Why on earth are we discussing vocabulary?

Edward: Because Katie really wants to quote the New Moon movie, but can't because it will spoil it for the readers.

Katie (me): Whoa! Get out of my head! That place is private thank you.

Edward: I don't know; it seems like Jake has been there quite frequently.

Nessie: *glares, shocked, at Jake*

Jake: The door was wide open! There was a bag of sour gummy worms in there!

Katie (me): I love those things!

Emmett: They're the best, aren't they? The Trolli worms are the best.

Rosalie: Emmett, you don't eat.

Emmett: That's what you think.

Jasper: Emmett's anorexic.

Emmett: No, I'm bulimic. *covers mouth* I wasn't supposed to tell you that.

Edward: It's okay, Emmett, we can get you through this.

Emmett: Really?

Alice: No, you're a vampire. If you eat, you have to throw it up; we don't digest food.

Emmett: Your point being…

Nessie: You don't need to eat.

Emmett: Oh.

**Author's Note: Yeah…drawing a blank here. I had some clever idea (aren't all my ideas clever?) of what to put here, but I forgot it. Way to go Katie! Oh wait…I think I was just going to make fun of myself. Yeah! That works too! It's so easy, if you really think about it. I'm just make-fun-of-able. Oh yeah, I just made a new word. Be jealous. Review please!**


	20. Chapter 20 Snuggies

**Author's Note: Hey everyone! So you know how you can hum or sing and then you can make these weird sounds to the tune of a song? Well my friend and I tried to come up with a name for that because "making noises to the tune of a song" was just too long, so we tried to turn it into an acronym. Yeah, MNTTTOAS doesn't sound as good, so…yeah. Just thought I'd tell you!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Costco, or Snuggie.**

~Chapter 20-Snuggies~

Emmett: Hey you guys!

Edward: *climbing out of the chest of temporarily useless characters (CTUC)* Emmett, it is too early in the morning for you to be wasting our time with your stupidity.

Katie (me): Aw man, the jerkface Edward is back. You were cool for maybe a chapter, but now you're a jerk again. Get into character man!

Edward: As soon as you drop that stupid character you're playing.

Katie (me): What character? Hey, wait a minute!

Bella: *steps out of escalator of CTUC* Thank God for that escalator. Did you see those steps?

Katie (me): Aha, nope, 'cause I don't have to go there, 'cause I'm useful!

Emmett: Okay, you guys. I have a brilliant idea.

Rosalie: Are you going to tell us?

Emmett: Yes, I was adding dramatic effect.

Katie (me): You know, being the only one here who actually is taking a drama class, I think I know how to do that, and Emmett, you just killed it.

Emmett: No! I'm a murderer!

Jasper: Did you know that a flock of crows is called a murder?

Emmett: No one cares! We're going to Costco!

Rosalie: Why would we go to Costco?

Nessie: Uncle Emmett, it's 1:30 A.M. Why would Costco even be open?

Emmett: …No reason.

Edward: What did you do?

Katie (me): *giggles* Emmett, you're a genius!

Alice: Oh no! It's my job to see the future! Not yours Katie!

Katie (me): Um…I'm the author.

Alice: So?

Katie (me): So I sort of know what's going to happen…

Alice: You say that like it's supposed to make me care.

Edward: Katie, what did Emmett do?

Katie (me): *evil smirk* Nothing.

Emmett: Please?

Jake: I say we go.

Katie (me): Yeah! *high fives Jake*

Edward: Fine. *waits for high five*

Katie (me): No, Edward. You don't get a high five because you're a jerkface.

Edward: Loser.

Katie (me): Snollygoster!

Bella: We told you! We don't speak gibberish!

Katie (me): It's the curve on your upper lip. And you guys really need to stop noceuring. *everyone stares at her, clueless* Le sigh. It's a fancy word for staying up late.

Rosalie: We're vampires. We don't sleep

Katie (me): …

Emmett: Let's go!

_Magical rainbow appears as they travel to Costco._

Rosalie: What was with the rainbow?

Jasper: Who knows? I mean honestly, the stuff in this story…

Edward: Emmett, what have you done?

Emmett: Umm, I persuaded Costco to stay open this late.

Edward: And how exactly did you do that?

Emmett: Well I told them that the people from Twilight were coming here.

Edward: And did you stop to think that it might cause a massive crowd?

Emmett: Well, I wanted to buy a Snuggie.

Katie (me): Turn your robe on backwards. BAM! You just got snuggied!

Nessie: Are you always this much of an idiot?

Katie (me): You take after your father don't you?

Nessie: Very good, Katie. You can compare father and daughter. Next week we'll work on recognizing water bottles, okay?

Katie (me): You, sir are not nice.

Nessie: You said sir.

Katie (me): I know. *evil smile*

Bella: So are we going in or not?

Alice: Well we're going to have to go in disguise, because of all the obsessed Twilight fans here.

Katie (me): I prefer the term "enlightened."

Rosalie: So what are we going to do?

**Author's Note: Oh, don't you just love my cliffhanger? Yeah, I finally came up with an actual plot. Aha, not just pointless randomness. Anyways, happy holidays!**


	21. Chapter 21 Demi Lovato

**Author's Note: Hey everyone, how has your day been? So this is sort of part two to the previous chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Costco, Harry Potter, the Jonas Brothers (not that I would ever want to, although it would make a lot of money…), Peter Pan, Demi Lovato (thank God), Saturday Night Live, **

~Chapter 21-Fangirls~

Rosalie: So what are we going to do?

Jasper: We have to get into the store without being noticed.

Katie (me): Yeah! Costumes!

Nessie: We're not going to play one of your silly games, Katie.

Alice: She might have a point, actually. If we were incognito, no one would recognize us as we went into the store.

Katie (me): Point for Katie!

Emmett: That brings the score to…one-oh!

Nessie: I married Jake.

Emmett: One-one!

Jake: Hey did you guys ever wonder why movies are rated G, PG, PG-13, and R?

Bella: Um, no. Not really.

Jake: I'm serious.

Edward: Jacob!

Jake: What?

Edward: You're Jacob Black, not Sirius Black. No Harry Potter references!

Rosalie: Did you guys ever notice how much Edward looks like that Cedric guy from Harry Potter?

Jake: I was in the middle of a very important question here!

Bella: No one cares, Jake.

Katie (me): Wait a minute, he's got a point. I mean, PG stands for Parental Guidance suggested, but what does G stand for? Guidance suggested?

Jake: I know, right? That's always confused me!

Emmett: Nessie, I think that brings the score to two-one.

Nessie: I can spend forever with him.

Emmett: Two-two.

Jasper: Okay, back to business. How are we going to get into Costco?

Alice: We need to dress up in costumes.

Katie (me): Haha, I don't have to.

Edward: Because you're a nobody.

Katie (me): Really, Edward? We're back to that?

Emmett: Oh! I get to be Nick Jonas!

Rosalie: Emmett, the point of this is to go unnoticed.

Bella: I want to be a hobo!

Edward: I'll be Peter Pan.

Bella: Oooh, my Eddie-kins in tights.

Random Fangirl (RG): Oh! My Edward senses are tingling. *starts walking around, looking for Edward*

Jasper: Okay, so we all know what we want to dress up as, right?

Alice: Let's go!

_One costume shopping later…_

Emmett: Yeah! I'm superman!

Rosalie: Who am I supposed to be?

Katie (me): A clown. It fits you perfectly.

Jake: Oh, burn! Yeah, I get to be a doggie!

*random, terrible noises come from in front of Costco*

Alice: My ears! They bleed!

Jasper: What is that terrible sound?

Edward: Oh no.

Bella: It can't be.

Nessie: It is!

Everyone: Demi Lovato!

Katie (me): Everyone cover your ears!

Emmett: *starts dancing*

Edward: Emmett, what are you doing?

Emmett: I'm dancing!

Jasper: Yes, we can see that, but why?

Emmett: Well, once you get past all the heavy breathing, and the shrill voice, it's actually kinda cool.

Alice: Emmett, you're high aren't you?

Emmett: What's your point?

Rosalie: How do we make it stop?

Nessie: Dad! Go up on stage and rap or something! Jasper you go help him!

*Edward and Jasper go up on stage*

Edward: Okay, s. Lovato, we'll take it from here.

Demi Lovato: Why? Is it because Microsoft spellchecks my name?

Jasper: Sure, let's go with that.

Edward: Jasper, give me a beat.

Jasper: *starts the beat*

Edward: Sniff a pineapple, I wanna try, to sniff a pineapple, and maybe get high. Sniffing pineapples is what I do best. Sniffing pineapples. Don't give it a rest!

Emmett: Okay, now that everyone is distracted, let's go get the Snuggie!

Alice: *holds door open* Everybody in!

Nessie: Hey look Katie, it's those water bottles I told you I'd teach you how to recognize.

Katie (me): That was so funny that I forgot to laugh.

Random fangirl mentioned earlier: *taps Jake on the shoulder* Excuse me sir, have you seen Edward Cullen? *recognizes Jake* Oh my Edward!

Jake: Oh, you're an Edward fan. Why would you like a little girl like him?

Rf: *gasp* Edward is a boy!

Jake: Then why does he sparkle like a princess's tiara? **A/N: Saturday Night Live!**

Rf: It's cool, okay?

Jake: I'm cooler!

Rf: So you admit it! You are from Twilight!

Jake: Ummm, I never said that.

Nessie: Jake, get over here.

Rf: It's Renesmee!

Katie (me): Jake, who is that?

Rf: Wait, you both have bronze hair and brown eyes! Which one is Renesmee?

Katie (me): Aha, I knew this would come in handy some day. It's me!

Nessie: Wow, you really are pathetic, aren't you?

Katie (me): Your point being…

Rf: Whatever. My friends aren't going to believe this!

Emmett: Look, we just want to get the Snuggie, and get out of here.

Rf: Oh! I have a Snuggie!

Rosalie: Amazing. Now we have to leave.

Rf: Wait! I need a picture with all of you!

Nessie: Here Katie, you can take the picture.

Katie (me): Oh can I? Oh thank you! It's only been my wildest dream! *rolls eyes*

Camera: Yes! My shining moment! *clears throat* Ker-snap!

Rf: Thank you so much! *skips off to CTUC*

Bella: Well that was weird.

**Author's Note: Wow, that was a long chapter. Hope you liked it!**


	22. Chapter 22 Going Blue

**Author's Note: Hey guys (not referring to gender, just using it as a general term)! Sorry about the last chapter. I keep forgetting that I need to warn people about this: not all topic opinions are to be taken seriously in this story. It's a comedy, not reality. Demi Lovato is a good singer—sure, I'm not a fan myself, but she is a good singer. And yeah, Microsoft Word spellchecks her name, but that's just one of those haha moments. Word spellchecks my name too. So I'm sorry if I offended anyone.**

**Normal Author's Note: Happy New Year! Here's to 2010; let's hope it's a good one. And to celebrate (late but better now than never, right?), here's a new chapter!**

**Warning: This story is not meant to be taken seriously.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Harry Potter, Chuck E. Cheese's, Sherlock Holmes, **

Chapter 22-Going Blue

Emmett: *lying on couch* This couch is hugging me.

Rosalie: *slaps forehead*

Alice: How did we even get home, anyways?

Jasper: And if we're home, why are we still in costumes?

Katie (me): Well nothing interesting was happening on the trip home, so I just skipped it.

Bella: Oooh! Oooh! *raises hand and waves it frantically*

Katie (me): Ummm, yes Bella?

Bella: Did we apparate?

Alice: *throws clock at Bella's head* No Harry Potter references!

Jake: Why couldn't you just make us get lost again?

Nessie: Jake! You don't give her an idea to make us miserable! That's like telling the burglar where the gun is!

Jake: But we don't have a gun.

Edward: Nessie is right, Jacob. We don't want a flashback of the last time. *shudder*

_Flashback_

_Rosalie: Katie, are you sure you know where you're going? I mean we just wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese's._

_Katie (me): Of course I know where we're going! Psh, did you think I was lost or something? *shifty eyes; starts to panic*_

_Jasper: Oh! She's scared! She's scared, she's scared, she's scared. Oh! She is scared 'cause we're lost! And she knows it, and it's her fault and she knows it! That's why she's scared! 'Cause she doesn't know where we are! Which means we're lost! Oh! I can feel her scaredness!_

_Edward: Are you high?_

_Jasper: Mehbeh._

_Nessie: Way to go Sherlock, we're lost._

_Katie (me): Hey! Don't use that saying against me! That's been around since before you were born, okay? Your generation doesn't even know that phrase._

_Nessie: Really? Because I just used it in correct context. Last time I checked, that meant I knew the phrase._

_Emmett: When was the last time you checked?_

_Nessie: …_

_Alice: Okay! Nobody panic! We'll find someone to help us. *starts hyperventilating* We'll all be okay as long as no one starts to panic!_

_Jake: *starts to say something* Wait…I just lost my snarky remark. How did that happen? I always have a response. I'm losing it. *slaps self* Come on! Think of a comment! Come on!_

_Rosalie: Well while the dog tries to find his snarkiness, I'm going to go find some help._

_Edward: Wait! I smell something. *sniffs* It smells like cheese._

_Nessie: Cheese?_

_Edward: Yes, cheese. Are you deaf? *sniffs* It's on our left._

_Emmett: To the cheese!_

_Cheese Waiter: Hello, how may I help you today?_

_Katie (me): Why are you orangeish? *pokes waiter*_

_Cheese Waiter (CW): Ma'am, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop poking me. As you can see, I am made entirely of cheese._

_Katie (me): *continues to poke waiter*_

_Edward: Cheese?_

_Bella: Oh no._

_Jake: What?_

_Rosalie: Edward's turophobic._

_Jake: And that means…?_

_Nessie: He's afraid of cheese._

_Jake: *picks up piece of cheese* Aw, is the wittle Edward afwaid of a wittle piece of cheese? Hey! I got my snarkiness back!_

_Edward: Cheese! *runs frantically away*_

_Emmett: Well, uh, we were wondering where we are. We're kind of lost._

_CW: Oh, are you the people who live in the big house by the stream?_

_Alice: That's us. How'd you know?_

_CW: *points to big house*_

_Jasper: I guess weren't really all that lost._

_Rosalie: Emmett, go get Edward. The rest of us will be in the house._

_Katie (me): *still poking waiter*_

_End Flashback_

Bella: Actually Edward, I think that was a horrifying experience just for you.

Emmett: Yeah now we know there's a restaurant in our back yard.

Katie (me): Hey did you guys hear that global warming is over? And it never actually was a problem?

Rosalie: Well that was random.

Katie (me): No, you just don't think as fast as me. Anyways, I heard on the radio that these hackers hacked into some government thing and the traces they left affected whatever it was for. And bam! You get a case of global warming. Instead there's going to be an Ice Age.

Jake: So do we go blue now?

Jasper: Yeah! We're going blue!

Nessie: That swine flu left a mark on you, didn't it, Katie?

Katie (me): Hey, I'm not entirely sure it was swine flu.

Rosalie: So you really heard that?

Katie (me): Well actually my Spanish teacher heard it, and then he told me…but it's still been heard by someone.

Nessie: *smacks forehead*

Cheese Waiter: Would anyone care for some cheese?

**Author's Note: Yeah, so I don't know how we're supposed to go blue, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Adios!**


	23. Chapter 23 Single's Awareness Day

**Author's Note: Hey everyone, how's it going? Sorry, but I don't have time to hear your response—I need to get on with the witty author's note so I can start the chapter. If you'd really like to tell me how you're doing, please leave a message after the beep-I mean a review at the end of the chapter. Okay, that was weird. Anyways, sorry this chapter is a little late, but it had a very good point and I just couldn't wait for next year.**

**Warning: The content of this story is not meant to be taken seriously.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Valentine's Day, Harry Potter, Cupid, **

~Chapter 23-Single's Awareness Day~

Emmett: What's with the whole Cupid thing?

Jake: What's with you being so random?

Emmett: That was not random!

Jake: Was too!

Rosalie: Well, it is Valentine's Day.

Bella: Happy Valentine's Day!

Edward: Happy Valentine's Day, love.

Alice: Katie, why aren't you celebrating the Valentine's Day-ness?

Katie (me): Happy Single's Awareness Day.

Nessie: *cough cough* Loser! *cough cough*

Jasper: Wait a minute…that spells sad! *laughs* I get it now! You're sad 'cause you're single and it's Valentine's Day!

Katie (me): Wow…someone had an extra sprinkle of blonde flakes on their cereal this morning.

Jasper: …I don't eat cereal.

Emmett: He's anorexic!

Edward: We're vampires, moron. We don't eat.

Katie (me): Someone had an extra sprinkle of blonde flakes in their blood this morning…Yeah not the same effect.

Jake: I was thinking the same thing.

Nessie: I think you guys didn't hear my cough earlier. *cough* Katie's a loser! *cough cough*

Alice: Vampires don't cough.

Nessie: Katie's a loser.

Bella: Nessie honey, loser isn't a nice word.

Emmett: Back to the dilemma, people!

Rosalie: Which was…?

Emmett: What's with Cupid?

Jake: What's with your face?

Jasper: Burn!

Emmett: No, I'm serious-

Edward: No Harry Potter references!

Katie (me): He's the Roman god of love, Emmett.

Emmett: But why does he represent Valentine's Day? I mean, when I think of romance, I don't think of naked babies flying around shooting people with arrows.

Jake: Aro? My Volturi buddy?

Bella: Vulture-terra!

Edward: Emmett has a point…

Alice: It's the apocalypse!

Jasper: Kalypso?

Bella: Jasper, that was failtastic.

***POOF!!***

Cupid: Who dares to suggest me wrong for this holiday?!

Emmett: *raises hand* Um, that would be me.

Alice: Aww, you're so cute! *pinches Cupid's cheek*

Cupid: Don't touch me!

Alice: Aww, he's throwing a tantrum! Jasper, why couldn't we have kids like this?

Jasper: Well because we're vampires. You see, when we have-

Edward: Hey! There are kids reading this! We need to maintain a K rating.

Katie (me): This is rated T.

Edward: Oh, well in that case continue.

Jasper: I wasn't even gonna go there, man. When we have the idea to have kids, we realize we can't because our bodies are frozen.

Rosalie: Does anyone remember me?? I haven't been mentioned for over ten lines!

Katie (me): Yeah, there's a reason for that.

Cupid: I COMMAND THEE TO TAKE THY COMMENT BACK!

Emmett: Or what?

Cupid: Have you ever read A Midsummer Night's Dream?

Jake: I'm not too good with the reading.

Rosalie: Or the speaking.

Nessie: Leave my Jake alone!

Edward: No Nessie, you have to love me!

Bella: What?! Is my husband leaving me for my daughter?

Jake: Whoa, you've got worse love luck than I do.

Emmett: Edward, please don't. Be with me instead.

Katie (me): This is insane.

Rosalie: Emmett!

Jake: Rosalie, the only reason I make fun of you so much is because I've secretly been in love with you since I first met you.

Katie (me): Am I the only normal one here? *shot in arm with arrow* Ow! Oh my waffle! This is the most amazing rock I've ever seen! Mr. Rock, will you marry me?

Cupid: I love my job. *poofs out*

_To Be Continued…_

**Author's Note: *makes thinking sound* I don't know what to say right now… So, bye I guess…**


	24. Chapter 24 Greek Gods versus Roman Gods

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've had a few school projects (then got another one…fun) and I started a new story. It's my own idea, which just makes me more obsessive about it. Again, I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever. *someone throws a book at my head* Ow! I said I was sorry! Have we really gone to that level again? *someone throws pen* Ow! Hey, that's a cool pen…. Anyways, has anyone seen Alice in Wonderland? I saw it twice the opening weekend, and once the following weekend. It was awesome wasn't it? Truly amazing. I leave the theatre and think "I want to see that again." And I'm having a debate with my friend, so I need your help. How do you pronounce Cheshire Cat? Chesh-eye-r or chesh-er? PS- If it sways your vote (and I hope it does), I pronounce it the second way.**

**Warning: This story is the only story that will add a year onto your lifespan. No, not because of the laughing, just because…um (hehe makes me think of Alice in Wonderland)…because I said so. Although this story adds a year to your lifespan (not really), it may have some stupid ideas that you don't agree with. Please remember that these may not be the ideas of the author, simply comical tools the author is using…that sounded oddly formal.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Cupid, or Aphrodite. **

~Chapter 24-Greek Gods versus Roman Gods~

Cupid: I love my job. *poofs out*

_To be continued…_

_Continued here………after the dots……_

Katie (me): Oh, Mr. Rock! How I love thee! Whoa, too much Shakespeare in one day.

Jake: Wait, let me get this right. I'm in love with Rosalie, but she's in Love with Emmett. Emmett and Bella are in love with Edward, but he's in love with Nessie, who's in love with me.

Katie (me): And me and Mr. Rock are getting married!

Emmett: Please, Edward! Leave Bella for me!

KABLAM!

Rosalie: Kablam?

Aphrodite: Thou shalt not poke fun at the sounds I choose while making an entrance!

Jasper: What?

Aphrodite: I am Aphrodite! Godde-

Alice: We could read your name from your cue. It sort of says your name right before your dialogue.

Aphrodite: Inferior! Do not talk while I am introducing myself! I am Aphrodite! Goddess of love! Who has been interfering with the forces of my powers?

Bella: That would be Cupid.

Mr. Rock: Katie, you don't actually love me?

Katie (me): No! Of course not! I love you Mr. Rock!

Mr. Rock: No, Katie. We're over!

Katie (me): Noooooo! Why, Bugs, why?

Edward: Bugs?

Alice: Reference to her new story.

Edward: Oh.

Aphrodite: Enough! Cupid!!!

Cupid: *poof* What? *sees Aphrodite* You.

Nessie: What's going on?

Alice: Cupid and Aphrodite are both the gods of love. Cupid is the Roman god and Aphrodite is the Greek god.

Aphrodite: I despise thee.

Cupid: Thou art a villain.

Katie (me): What's with the Shakespearean?!

_A cool battle of the gods of love ensues that is too cool for this rating…_

Aphrodite: I've won!

Cupid: We played thumb wars! You didn't really win anything!

Aphrodite: Nonetheless, I've won!

Cupid: What are you going to do? Are you going to kill me? Do it quick!

Aphrodite: Ew, no. I was just going to put everything back to how it should be. *waves hand over everyone* Shazam!

_Puff of smoke covers everyone, and when it disappears, Aphrodite and Cupid are gone._

Emmett: My brain!

Edward: Too much incest!

Nessie: Think about it from my point of view!

Rosalie: Well, he can read you mind, so he can hear how you're thinking about it.

Katie (me): Mr. Rock?

Emmett: Yeah, you're gonna be getting teased about that for a while.

Katie (me): Happy friggen Single's Awareness Day.

**Author's Note: AH! I don't like swearing! Yeah, Bugs is a character from my new story. And I'm sorry to say this, but I don't know how much longer I'll be writing Twilight on Crack. I'm starting to run out of ideas, as you may have noticed. I really apologize, but I just can't keep doing this forever.**


	25. Chapter 25 Unbirthday Parties and

**Author's Note: I haven't decided whether I'll continue or not, but I thought it would be rude if I only updated to tell you I wouldn't, so here's another chapter.**

**Second Author's Note: Oh yeah, I got Alice in Wonderland on DVD (the animated one, I don't support piracy…unless it's the Arrr! pirates), and it's chesh-er. Yeah! I was right!**

**Warning: Content is retarded and not meant to be taken seriously.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Alice in Wonderland, Japan, or Star Trek.**

~Chapter 25-Unbirthday Parties and Hippie Santa~

Emmett: A very merry unbirthday to you!

Jake: To you!

Edward: A very merry unbirthday to you!

Jasper: For you! *hands unbirthday cake to Katie (me)*

Emmett: Now blow the candles out my dear and make your wish come true.

Emmett, Jake, Edward and Jasper: A very merry unbirthday to you!

Katie (me): Yeah! *blows out candles* Unbirthdays are awesome!

*Bella, Rosalie, Alice, and Nessie walk into the room*

Bella: What were you guys just singing?

Edward: Um…nothing.

Nessie: I'm pretty sure I heard something.

Emmett: We were singing Katie the unbirthday song!

Jake: It's her unbirthday today, and tomorrow, and for a couple more months.

Nessie: Today's my unbirthday.

Katie (me): Are you aging?

Nessie: No.

Katie (me): TYhen you don't have a birthday. And if you don't have a birthday, then you don't have an unbirthday.

Nessie: That made no sense.

Rosalie: Katie, give me the drugs.

Katie (me): What drugs?

Rosalie: Okay, give me the alcohol.

Katie (me): What alcohol?

Alice: Um…okay then. You're naturally like this?

Katie (me): *eye twitch* Like what?

Bella: Okay…

Jasper: I want the unbirthday cake! *attacks Katie (me)*

Katie (me): Help!

Emmett: You know, there's this person in Japan, and he was born on the same day as me. But I'm confused—who's older? Me or the Japanese dude?

Katie (me): *still being attacked by Jasper* I said help!

Edward: You're an idiot, Emmett.

Jake: Wait a minute, he's right.

Nessie: Who's right?

Jake: well, both of them, but I meant Emmett. Who would be older?

Rosalie: Well, Japan is about a day ahead of us, so he's been alive a day longer than you…

Bella: I think that if he came to west coast, then he would be older than you, but when he goes to Japan, he's the same age.

Katie (me): I said help!!!

Jasper: *now sits on floor eating the unbirthday cake*

Katie (me): He stole my unbirthday cake!

Alice: Just make another one tomorrow.

Katie (me): *huffs, and goes to corner to pout (now the Pouting Corner)*

Emmett: So we're the same age, as long as we're in our own time zones?

Bella: I think so.

Edward: Illogical.

Bella: Okay, Spock, do you have a better idea?

Edward: …Your idea's good.

Santa: *poofs into room in a puff of smoke shaped in a peace sign* Merry Christmas, man.

Emmett: *rubs eyes* Am I hallucinating again?

Rosalie: What on earth…?

Santa: Hey man, fight the power. *gives peace sign*

Jake: Is Santa a hippie?

Nessie: Santa! *runs up and hugs him*

Santa: Spread the love!

Nessie: Santa, where are your reindeer?

Santa: Reindeer? *laughs* I got here with Falcon Man.

Alice: Falcon Man?

Falcon Man: *poofs in; has the head of a falcon and wings* Someone summoned me?

Santa: This is Falcon Man. Fight the power! *Falcon Man and Hippie Santa fistbump*

Bella: Okay this is getting weird…

Alice: And it wasn't weird before?

Falcon Man: *tries to steal some of the unbirthday cake, which Jasper is still eating*

Jasper: Hiss! Hiss, hiss! *moves hand in a claw-like motion*

Falcon Man: *makes weird sound*

Rosalie: What was that?

Falcon Man: A falcon call, duh.

Emmett: You're like the brother I never had. *hugs Falcon Man*

Edward: Emmett, Jasper and I are your brothers.

Emmett: Yeah but he's like the brother that I _never_ had. He's not like either of you.

_Katie (me): *wakes up from dream* Whoa…that was weird. Falcon Man? Santa as a hippie? Weird._

_*huge falcon rips off the roof of the house and plucks Katie (me) out*_

_Katie (me): *screams* Help me!_

_Falcon: *eats Katie (me) in one bite*_

Nessie: *wakes up from dream*

Jake: Hey, Nessie. Did you have a nice dream?

Nessie: *smiles* Best dream ever.

**Author's Note: Well now that's not very nice. And did anyone else notice that if you rearrange the letters in Santa it spells Satan? That's a little creepy. Thanks to LoVe-WiLl-fInD-a-WaY and team-jacob-furever for the skit ideas. And does anyone know what the difference is between a hit and a visitor on the story traffic thing? I haven't the slightest idea (Alice in Wonderland reference!).**

**Reviewing causes zombie-immunity. So when the zombies come for us, I'll be zombified because I couldn't review. You could make a difference. Be like Will Smith in I Am Legend…well, not the part where he dies, but the other part…you know…the part where he lives…Anyways, bye.**


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